Monthly Update: July

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What a strange month this has been!

1)  Our employers were away for two weeks in Europe.  And in a ridiculous post entitled Lamentations and a Sunday Prayer, I told you how much I was hoping they would come home with a European villa in hand!  Ha!

Well, they’ve returned and not so much as a peep has been mentioned about acquiring another property abroad.   So I’ll have to snoop around, as usual, and engage my “contact” at the Foundation to find out what’s going on.

However, the Missus handed me a photo book she bought on the trip of what she said was her favorite place on the French Riviera.  “It has the whole history of the area,” she said. “You might be interested.”

Well -- she knows how much I love Europe, so is this a clue?  Is there something coming up in the future wherein I might need to be familiar with the history of a particular area along the Riviera?  Or am I just dreaming?

Who knows?   (I wish the book had been about Italy!) 

But don’t get me wrong here; I think France is absolutely spectacular!  Who doesn’t?  (Except for the unsettling fact that there are so many French people living there!)

   

2) In July I finally completed a four-part series of articles dealing with mandatory handwritten communications among the rich, starting with RSVP Invitations back in May, followed by Thank You Notes,  then Stationery for the rich,  and finally Calligraphy.

I hope I didn’t bore you to death with all that, but it’s how things are in high society, and there’s been considerable interest and feedback.  

(With email, text, and social media, I know we’re all losing the art of handwritten communications.   But in high society, it’s still the norm, and very much expected!)

So I guess that’s about it for July. 

Hope your summer is going along smoothly!

Thanks so much for stopping by!

Good night,

Andrew

House Cleaning for a Billionaire!

As the Butler/House Manager for a billionaire, I’m frequently asked how do you clean this or that, and how do you maintain a 22,000 square/foot residence with museum-quality furnishings.  

While this is not primarily a “How To” web site, I’ve enjoyed sharing tips on how to clean a chandelier, how to polish silver without destroying it, surviving the fumes of brass polishing and so forth.  And these articles will always be forthcoming. 

But for those who need more urgent and regular information on a variety of cleaning topics, I ‘m delighted to share what research knowledge I’ve acquired (including my household cleaning Bible, below), and can most definitely get you started in the right direction.

Before we begin, however, the most important thing I want to say to you tonight is that there are terrible risks in cleaning anything unless you know what exactly what it is, and then match it with the proper cleaning procedures!  You can destroy something in a flash (and easily lose your job).  Ha!

Examples:

1) You can’t just grab a brass object and apply “Brasso” or “Mrs Wright’s” without knowing if the brass has a seal.   You’ll destroy the seal and the object will never look the same.

2) You can’t use a regular vacuum on an antique Persian rug, or a hand vacuum on a three-hundred-year-old French chair with an ancient tapestry upholstery.   To avoid ripping out the fibers, you need to lay a plastic screen over these fragile areas and vacuum them slowly and carefully by hand, through the screen. 

3) You can’t apply an aggressive silver polish to an inexpensive silver-plate object, or you’ll see the ugly metal underneath come to the surface in no time.

See what I mean?   Each object under your care has its own needs and requirements.

But don’t just throw up your hands in frustration!  Ha!  The simple key to successful housekeeping is research. 

And here are some suggestions:

A) If you’re dealing with museum-quality furnishings, then you need to get a conservator or curator from a local museum to walk with you through the house and explain each and every object so you’ll have a better idea what you’re dealing with and how to care for it.

B) You can type a question into Google’s search bar, such as “How do you clean a chandelier?” and lots of articles will come up (including mine, ha!)

C) The extremely helpful websites Ask.com and eHow.com both have search bars for any questions we might have.

D) Good Housekeeping and Martha Stewart are wonderful and professional sources of information, constantly updated.  And both these sites have search bars for all our questions.

Just give it a try.  You’ll be amazed at what all you can find out.

 As for the Bible I use to get through each and every day, I’m going to recommend “Home Comforts: the Art and Science of Keeping House” by Cheryl Mendelson.  

 It’s about 850 pages of small print (yikes!) and seriously intimidating upon first glance.  But this author is so engaging and delightful, and explains in wonderful prose how and why each and everything must be done.   I promise you’ll be enthralled by her wisdom, wit and well-researched knowledge.

And you don’t have to read the whole book!  There’s an index in the back where you can look up any problem you’re faced with.   For example, just look under “S” for soap scum on glass or marble, or “F” for folding towels, shirts, pillow cases and so forth.  Absolutely amazing!

In addition to many months in Butler School, I could not run this house without Cheryl Mendelson’s back-up for all the things I’ve forgotten, and for things I never knew in the first place. 

I know, this has been way too long, but I hope it’s been helpful.  

You don’t have to be rich to want your home and environment properly cared for.  And since none of us were born with this knowledge, research is essential.

But before you get started here on some epic cleaning campaign, you’ve got to listen to Betty Boop on YouTube and empathize with her trials and tribulations of proper house cleaning!  Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaEV-BShS-0    

Ha!

Thanks for reading.

Good night,

Andrew

Billionaire Butler FAQ: "How Do You Maintain a Balance?"

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Quite frequently I'm asked, in various ways, how I maintain a balance between the billionaire world I live in and my own personal life.

Well, the charming thing about this question is the assumption that I have a balance!

Ha!

But it's a legitimate question, and was in fact fully addressed in Butler School.  "How do you maintain a balance?"

It's easy to get caught up in this Richistan fantasy, especially in a position like mine with a Household Credit Card and seemingly-unlimited expense account.   In addition, the isolation of actually living on the estate can get on your nerves.

The school I attended suggested the following:

1) Pull away from the situation as often as possible,
2) Stay in touch with family and friends--phone calls, letters, emails and text.
3) Develop an outside interest. 

Now, as for pulling away, I get to do this on a daily basis when running errands for the house and/or family.  And sometimes I can even sneak away for a few days, as mentioned in a post entitled  "Intermezzo".

As for staying in touch with family and friends, I am God-blessed in this respect, with a wonderful family and a few most-excellent friends with whom I'm in steady contact.

And as for developing an outside interest,  nothing has been more satisfying than writing to you on this web page, so I do think that qualifies!  Does it not? 


But I'll admit something here: 

Sometimes when the day has been brutally exhausting and the outside world seems overwhelming, I feel  relieved to return to the estate, press the remote switch to the gate, and retreat into the tranquility of "Richistan".

So, do I have a balance?  I don't know. 

I hope so. 

At the very least I'm more-or-less functional from one day to the next.  Which is all any of us can hope for.  Ha!

Thanks for stopping by!

Good night,
Andrew

Intermezzo: A Brief Escape from "Richistan"!

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In a conspiracy with the Upstairs Maid and Maurizio,  I'm going to slip away from Richistan for a very brief visit to my family in Upstate New York. 

Our employers are still in Europe, and we'll all be checking in with FlightAware right along, to see when they're headed home! We can find out the minute their plane leaves hanger! 

Maurizio will be staying in my apartment here on the estate, to guard the grounds.  And Ester has volunteered to take the Danes home with her at night.   

So I just wanted to let you know I'll be away for a few days.

From Youtube, here's a link to a beautiful Intermezzo I hope you'll play sometime.

Don't forget about me!

Good night,
Andrew

Lamentations and a Sunday Prayer!

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My billionaire employers are in Europe for the next two weeks! 

Yes!

They'll be stopping by the apartment in Milan, but then on to Spain and the South of France. 

I've mentioned to you before my absolute lamentations that my employers don't have a villa in Italy (or anywhere for that matter, along the Mediterranean coast)! 

What was I thinking to get involved with a family like this, without a villa? 

I guess I was just so overwhelmed by the Residence, during the first interview, that I  naturally assumed there were properties in Europe.

And you know very well the apartment in Milan simply doesn't count!

An apartment?   

Good heavens!    

I need a villa!  Ha!

For the past several months the Missus has been receiving brochures on properties in Southern Europe.  And I know she's trying to get the Mister to retire.

So my Sunday Prayer today is that they come back, after two weeks of searching, with a villa in hand. 

And if you haven't said your nighttime prayers yet, I hope you'll stick me in there somewhere.  Life simply can't go on this way. 

Without a doubt, I am the only butler in the entire universe that doesn't have a European villa to see after!


So I'm lighting a candle tonight, and calling upon our late Luciano Pavarotti for help!

Hope you'll hit this YouTube link and listen along with me. 

Thanks for stopping by!


And good night,
Andrew

FAQ: "What is a Typical Day for a Butler?"

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I’ve had several requests to describe a typical day in the life of a butler for a billionaire.  But I’ve been reluctant because this is the type of job when no two days are alike, ever!   And any attempt would be lengthy, and stress you for time. 

Still and all, there are some basic guidelines as to what needs to be accomplished within the day.

So here goes.  But I’ll need to divide this into two parts:

Part One:  A Quiet Day - No Parties!

Work Hours:  9:00 – 11:30 mornings.  A two-hour lunch.   Then 1:30 – 4:00 in the afternoon.

1) First and most important is to walk through the house and grounds to see what needs to be done. 

The fireplace in the Master Bedroom was used last night and needs to be cleaned.   There are wine glasses down by the pool.  One of the Great Danes pooped in the Library.   A candle has burned down to a nub in the Living Room, and the candy dish needs to be replenished.  A toilet is running continuously in one of the downstairs bathrooms, and a linen hand towel has been used.  There’s a smudge on the light switch in the breakfast room.  The club soda in the bar needs to be replenished and fresh limes need to be cut.  And on and on, ad infinitum. 

2) Assign all the above discoveries to whoever is in charge of that particular area, in addition to their daily routines of cleaning, scrubbing, washing, ironing and so forth.

3) Check the vendors and contractors list to see who is coming today, and notify staff to watch for and escort them to their work sites, if I’m not available.

4) Check all the vehicles for gasoline and send them out as needed.

5) Check the medications list to see if any refills are needed.

6) Check the Great Danes list to see what medications, vet appointments are needed, or if the groomer is coming.

Now, all the above just takes about an hour.  

Then the rest of the day I’m free to run errands for the House (as I wish), or for the Mister or Missus (upon request).   But, this is the fun part of my work day.  

Pick up something at the tailors?  Isn’t that just around the corner from my favorite breakfast stop?  

Take something to the UPS Store?   Just across the street from my barber shop?     

Part Two:  Not a Quiet Day! 

Meaning a Sit-down Dinner, a Cocktail Party, or an event for hundreds of guests.

Work Hours:  Get ready for a ten-twelve-or sixteen-hour day!  Which is the trade off for the “Quiet Days” explained above.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, except for the long hours and missing the gym, these are actually the most easy and fun days for me because all these events are placed into other hands, the hands of professionals. 

My role is to show up now and then throughout the day to assist the Events Planner, the Caterers, the Florist, the Valet Parkers and any needed Security in finding their way around the house and property. 

Then in the late afternoon I’ll have a nice long break for dinner, shower and getting all dressed up in my Brooks Brothers finest. 

The evening for me is just gliding around the house, receiving Guests at the front door, assisting the caterers here and there and trying to give the illusion I’m in control.  Although in reality I let the Events Planner and Caterers do their magic, and try stay out of their way.  

But my most important task for the evening is to stay near the Missus in case she needs something, such as another glass of wine for herself or a guest.  But more importantly, to extract her from some situation or conversation with a stressful or boring guest.  And I’m good at this, knowing exactly when she’s had enough. 

So that’s about it.  Quiet days.  And Party days.

But having said all the above, again each and every day is different.  No matter what plans I might have made for the day, the Mister or Missus could change it all in a flash.     

Maybe she sends me into New York to have a zipper on a Luis Vuitton tote bag realigned, then that’s my entire day.  Or she may suddenly decide to rearrange the furniture in one of the guest rooms upstairs, in which event all our daily routines are interrupted.     

And of course, any household disaster (a burst water pipe or the air conditioning or hot water going down) will pretty much rearrange and chew up your whole day.  Especially on a day when there's a big party in the works! 

So the idea here is flexibility. 

My task is to keep this house running smoothly, at all times.  No matter what.  But thankfully I have an army of help to rely upon. 

I hope this hasn’t taken too much of your time, or bored you to death.   

But this is all why being a butler for a billionaire is such a fun and challenging job.  The craziness around here just never stops!

As always, thanks for stopping by this evening.

And good night,
Andrew

"Valley of the Dolls"!

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In a post entitled "Rehab for a Billionaire", I mentioned something to you about "The Eight Day Sleep Cure" I'd heard about years ago -- buried somewhere deep in my memory.

Then today something amazing happened!

The Statistical Reports on this blog show the various Google search words that might lead a person to this website.   And someone today Googled the words "Sleep Cure Switzerland", and found themselves on my page. 

Out of curiosity, I Googled the same words and found not just my page, but an interesting site with an article dating back three years, to 2008 about the Sleep Cure.  It's by "Answer Girl" and here is the link to her page.

In her article, Ellen Clair Lamb referenced the "Eight Day Sleep Cure" and tied it to a movie called Valley of the Dolls.  And she goes on to say, "The power of good trash is that some images and plot points stick with you".

Of course I realized immediately that was where I'd heard about it -- from Jacqueline Susann's  book and movie Valley of the Dolls!   And apparently indeed, as Ms Clair Lamb says, "some plot points do stick with you"!   Ha!

I'm happy to say I have quite a few readers in Europe, including Switzerland.   So if anyone in Switzerland knows if the "Eight Day Sleep Cure" is real, or just a figment of Hollywood's imagination, please lets us know! 


By the way, the theme song from Valley of the Dolls was sung by none other than the incomparable Dionne Warwick herself!    So no wonder this movie was driven so deep into memory!

Here's the YouTube link.  Hope you'll have time to listen.  It's absolutely enchanting, and worth your time.    

Before saying good night, I just wanted to tell you the high-society addictions dealt with in this movie are not unlike what I deal with in this house on a daily basis. 

Alcohol and prescription meds around here are just part of the norm.


Thanks for visiting tonight,
Andrew

Calligraphy for Rich People!

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In the several essays I've annoyed you with about social correspondence for the rich, we've talked about:

a) RSVP Invitations and Regrets, 

b) Thank You Notes, and

c) Stationery .

Now the last part (I promise) will be on:

d) Writing style.

If you’re blessed with a good writing hand and can be of help to your employers in this area, this needs to way up high on your resume!   

Unfortunately, my handwriting is pitiful, if not illegible, so I must rely upon the services of a good Calligrapher.   And just to let you know,  I made this clear in the original interview!

But my employers didn't seem to mind, and I've been working here three years now.

We have a wonderful Calligrapher nearby who will address an envelope for just three dollars each.  She does so much work for us that she keeps a supply of our stationery and thank-you notes on hand at all times, so all I have to do is call her up with the needed address. 

If I’m out and about and have the time, I’ll pick it up myself, of course.  If not, she’ll send it to me by courier or overnight delivery.  For thirty-five dollars, she will even drive it over here herself. 

When I first took this job three years ago, I selected Park Avenue Standard as a lettering style for this family, for all the stationery needs in this house.  They seemed pleased, and we’ve used it ever sense, even on hand towels, cocktail napkins and matchbooks..

But there are many wonderful fonts out there besides Park Avenue:  Venetian, Balmoral, and Florentine, to name a few.  You just have to find one you like, and one that will serve you or your employers well. 

In fact, for a fee, many fonts can be downloaded and used anytime you wish on your own printer.  But I'm warning you, a discerning eye can certainly tell the difference between a downloaded font and one written by hand.

It’s not at all hard to find a good Calligrapher in your area.  Just Google “Calligraphy Chicago, Calligraphy New Orleans", wherever you might live.  Most of them have websites so you can see their styles and fonts, as well as the embellishments that any good Calligrapher can provide.  

And due to Fed Ex and UPS overnight deliveries, you’re not confined to your area alone, not at all.  You want the best Calligrapher possible to suit your needs, no matter where they are.

I know I've bored you half to death, and you've suffered through all these topics about social correspondence for the rich.   

But before you go, please allow me just one more moment to put this all together.

Imagine you need to send an urgent love letter!  Ha!

-You’ve got your unimpeachable stationery from Crane and Company.

-You’ve already selected the perfect lettering font that fits your personality.

-And you have your Calligrapher standing by, just waiting for your call.

Don't hesitate!  Just send it!

Ha!

And from YouTube, here’s a link to someone lovely to get you in the mood.

Sincerely hope this has all been fun and helpful.

Good night,

Andrew

Thank You, Betty Ford!

This house is in quiet pause today over the passing of the much beloved Betty Ford.

My rich employers (as political fund raisers) knew her of course.  And the Mister is of her same generation and political party.

In addition to her contributions as First Lady of the United States, this beautiful and gracious woman brought the difficulties of drug and alcohol addiction out of the closet and into the light of day -- for both the rich and the poor.

What was once such a taboo and uncomfortable topic (if not a disgrace and stigma) is now the subject of  casual conversation about where we go for rehab -- all thanks to Betty Ford!

How many people have benefited from her struggles and efforts to help others?  Only God can know this, and will perhaps tell her when she gets up there. 

But we are numbered in the tens of thousands, are we not?

So thank you very much indeed  -- for your life's efforts and your brave contributions!

Former First Lady, Mrs. Gerald Ford -- our beloved Betty!


Good night,
Andrew

Stationery for the Rich!

 

We’ve talked about RSVP to Invitations, Regrets, and just a few days ago I mentioned “Thank You” notes. 

But what kind of paper is needed for all this correspondence?

There are some definite stationery requirements in this world of the rich, but first I just want to get the correct spelling underway:

Stationery (with “ery”) is paper you write on.

Stationary (with “ary”) means sitting on the sofa all afternoon, watching a football game.

Ha!  Just Google the word and you’ll see how often it’s misspelled, even by stationery sellers themselves!   

Now, to the subject:   What kind of stationery do rich people use, and where can it be found?

You’ll want to consider:

-          Paper Content:   Pulp, rag stock, 100% cotton or blends.

-          Paper Weight:    Heavier is generally considered of greater value.

-          Paper Color:        White, colored or Ecru.  We choose ecru.

-          Watermarks:       This translucent mark will identify a quality manufacturer.

-          Printing Techniques:   Lithography, Thermography, Letterpress or Engraving..

This can become a fascinating and intensely interesting topic, going all the way back to papyrus in ancient Egypt.  And for those who want more in-depth information about paper quality and where to find it locally, I’m going to refer you to the Stationers Guild.  

Their motto is: “To help discerning buyers locate highly experienced stationers in their neighborhood, and assist them in crafting their personalized stationery.”   

Here’s the Stationers Guild link.

Now the truth is, as the Guild says, buying stationery is a very personal and tactile experience.  You’ll want to see, touch and feel the paper, and how it bends and folds.  And you can’t do that online. 

Which is why I’m recommending you start with the Stationers Guild first, to find local outlets.  Once you decide upon what you like, then the online descriptions will be understandable, and you can order from anywhere, even old-world stationers in Europe.   Does that make sense?

But where do I buy stationery for my employers, you might ask?

Because I already know the touch, feel and texture of what my employers want, I always go online to the renowned Crane & Company, an American paper manufacturer dating to the Revolutionary War.

This company has a world class reputation for fine stationery and engraving, and does, in fact, manufacturer the paper that is used for US currency! 

(The fact that American currency is so terribly devalued these days should have no reflection upon Crane.  Ha!)

In this house we always choose (a) 100% cotton, (b) ecru in color, (c) with weights ranging from 32 pounds for stationery to 92 pounds for fold-over notes--by comparison, good copy paper is usually 20 pounds--and (d) as for printing choice, it's always engraved. 

Each one of the above choices means the cost goes up and up and up.

Here’s a link to something similar we get from Crane and Company.  You'll have to type a number in the "Quantity" box to get an idea of price.   The more you order, the lower the cost.  But just start with 100. 

  

As you can see, it's not difficult to pay around $4.50 per letter or note card, or $450 for a box of one hundred.

So we’re looking at slightly over five dollars here (including stamp) to write one letter to one person by mail.  Formal Invitations, of course, cost considerably more.   So if you’re sending out a thousand invitations for a Christmas party, this can run into real money!

For most of us, $450 for a box of stationery could be a car payment, or a half-month’s rent!  

On the other hand -- you never know when you might need to send an emergency love letter to someone! 

So I suggest you get in touch with Crane and Company right away! 

Ha!

And if the romance fails, you’ve still got ninety-nine pages to go!

Good night,

Andrew

"Thank You" Notes and the Rich!

If you’re already among the ranks of High Society or perhaps on the way up, you’re aware of course of the absolute importance of hand-written “Social Correspondence”.   

And lots of it!

I’ve already mentioned Invitations, RSVP and Regrets. 

 But what about “Thank You” notes?

For any major event you attend, for any gift you receive,  for any effort  made on your behalf whatsoever, hand-written “Thank You” notes are in order, if not mandatory.

And there are some definite rules:

1)  The "Thank You" note should be short and not gushy.

2)  You’ll need to open with the person’s name.

3)  You must definitely mention the gift by name.

4)  Then explain, very briefly, how the gift will be put to use, or why you like or need it. (Lies are acceptable among the rich, as long as they're timely.)
5)  You'll want to send this note promptly, within three to ten days after the horrible gift was received.

Once you (or your personal assistant) get the hang of it, this is not difficult at all. 

Here’s an example:

Dear Mrs. Huffenbitch,

Thank you so much for the live skunk you brought to us for our anniversary.

The deer have been destroying our gardens this year, but this dreadful smell should correct that in no time.

Will see you again soon!

Andrea Richashell & John

See how easy that is?

Ha!

As butler and house manager for this family, one of my seriously-important jobs here at any party is to see to it that someone at the front door attaches a note to any gift, with the person’s name.    Or else there’s hell to pay.

However, most rich people are amazingly cognizant of this never-ending ritual, and usually attach their own note cards, in full expectation of acknowledgement and reply! 

But still, there are always those scatter-brained guests who barely arrive on time and hand you a bottle of unwrapped brandy at the front door.   So be ready for that!

Hope this has been helpful.

Good night,

Andrew

Happy Independence Day -- Unless You're British, Of Course!

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I didn't want to let this day go by without saying Happy Fourth of July! 

My employers have been rather unkind this weekend as to keep me guessing what they will or will not be doing.  But apparently I'll have no free time at all to celebrate the occasion.

That's the really tough part of this job,  not knowing when I might be able to get away and meet up with family and friends. 

I knew this before ever jumping in, didn't I? 

So I need to just shut up and stop whining, don't I?

But it really is tough.

To my British readers, I'm sure you look upon this day rather askew.  I do hope you  realize the Fourth of July is no longer an anti-British event,  just an annual celebration of nationhood and a time for family gatherings.

But honestly, what was King George thinking, to provoke the loss of such a promising and important colony?


Ha!


Happy Fourth!
Andrew

Monthly Update: June

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In my role as House Manager here, I just wanted to catch up on any loose ends for the past month.


1) In a post entitled "Hanky Panky With the New Upstairs Maid", I wanted to let you know that this all seems to be just a flirtation and nothing more.  Not just with Maurizio, but with Dario as well.  Ester is such a wonderful employee, and knows just how to keep things interesting within the somewhat-boring framework of her daily job. 

On the two days a week when Chef is off and I must make dinner, Ester is right there with me in the kitchen.  The music is playing (as always), and while I chop garlic or make a salad, she's right there helping out and cleaning up any mess I've made.  And we discuss the day and all the unusual behavior between the Mister and Mrs, and we laugh our way through the afternoon.

It's such a sweet and close moment, and it makes me wonder if this is what married people do, if this is how married people relate to each other.  Such sweet fun and laughter, and enjoyment over making a nice dinner. 

I hope that's true, I really do, and I don't want anyone to burst my bubble in the comments below!  Ha!  Because I feel rather sure that married life might be somewhat otherwise.

2)  In an post entitled "Common Sense?" I told you the Mister left the house in pajamas and robe in a helicopter.  Which annoyed me no end.

Well, it turns out (and sometimes he tells me stuff himself, as he did about this), he went to his friend's horse farm to see a new foal being born from an important and somewhat famous horse that I cannot name, for fear of losing my job here.  Ha! 

It seems his friend called him up, said he's sending the helicopter, and out of the house the Mister went, no matter how dressed. 

If you're this rich, you can pretty much do anything you like, morning, noon and night.

Before I go, and not that I'm obsessed with marriage or anything, lets look at Barbara Streisand's opinion of having just got married.  Ha!  Here's the fun link.  And by the way, the scene in this clip of her going up the stairs, with all the stone columns and wood banisters is not unlike the house where I work.

Thanks for reading!

Good night,
Andrew