______________________________________________
I'm sure you've all heard the news about the Pope's butler being arrested!
OMG!
So I just got an email from Miss Helen that said, and I quote, "I hear there's a vacancy in the Pope's office. Could be your ticket to Italy :)"
OMG!
But wait now, let me think.....
-- If you've been reading for very long, you know what affinities I have for Italia, and how much I'd love to live there!
-- And I am a qualified Butler! (Well, give or take.)
-- But the icing on the cake? I'm Catholic!!!
I should update my resume immediately! Right?
And send it off to the Vatican!!! omg!
(If hired, I would of course need internet connection in my room -- and a side door to slip out at night! Ha!)
Do you think Pope Benedict would mind if I blog about him on the world wide web? (Or is that the reason his current Butler's butt is in jail? Spilling the beans!)
Oh my dear God!
Please do forgive me this nuttiness tonight!
I'm just having a party in my own brain -- maybe with a couple of martinis. Dreaming about living inside the Vatican. Rendering services to His Holiness.
And running out that side door at night to my beloved Rome!
(I'm going to publish this tonight, because when I wake up sober tomorrow I'm absolutely sure I'll delete the whole thing!)
Andrew
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Addendum to the last post, "Rich People's Cars"!
______________________________________________
Due to some email inquiries, apparently I've created some confusion for my international readers.
So please allow me to explain.
In the United States we call petrol (or benzine) "Gasoline".
But in our 'efficient' and often-charming way of handling the English language, we shorten the word Gasoline to simply "Gas".
- We stop for gas.
- We gas up our cars.
- And we complain about the high price of gas!
But this has nothing to do with natural gas from below the earth, that heats our homes and fuels our ovens! (And no, we're not putting natural gas into our cars!)
It's all about context.
When we say the word "gas" among ourselves, we know the difference in our own minds between fuel for our cars and fuel for our homes.
But we're just too busy (or lazy) to differentiate, and say that long, long word! Gas---o---line! Ha!
Sorry for the confusion!
And thanks for reading!
Good night,
Andrew
Due to some email inquiries, apparently I've created some confusion for my international readers.
So please allow me to explain.
In the United States we call petrol (or benzine) "Gasoline".
But in our 'efficient' and often-charming way of handling the English language, we shorten the word Gasoline to simply "Gas".
- We stop for gas.
- We gas up our cars.
- And we complain about the high price of gas!
But this has nothing to do with natural gas from below the earth, that heats our homes and fuels our ovens! (And no, we're not putting natural gas into our cars!)
It's all about context.
When we say the word "gas" among ourselves, we know the difference in our own minds between fuel for our cars and fuel for our homes.
But we're just too busy (or lazy) to differentiate, and say that long, long word! Gas---o---line! Ha!
Sorry for the confusion!
And thanks for reading!
Good night,
Andrew
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Rich People's Cars!
______________________________________________
As the butler here on a billionaire's estate, I get a lot of questions about the cars my employers drive.
Sedans, sports cars, SUV's -- and as you might expect, all the biggies come into play here -- Bentley, Rolls Royce, Mercedes, Lamborghini, Jaguar, even Cadillac.
Due to confidentiality, you understand, I can't actually reveal which ones are garaged here.
But I do have lots of fun stuff to tell you!
According to my "confidant" at the Foundation, there's fourteen cars on the insurance roll! Dear God!
Eight of them are here at the Residence, including my household errand car. And I'm assuming the others are at their homes in Aspen and the Caymans. (As far as I know, they don't keep cars at their 'Pied-a-terres' in France and Switzerland.)
All this for two people!!!
And as these cars don't get driven that often, our biggest problem around here is keeping all the batteries up and running!
But here's how we handle all of it:
First, I'm in charge of seeing that all the cars have new inspection and registration stickers. And I have a chart, month by month, showing which car needs what.
(And while most of us have our inspection and registration done in the same month, no such luck around here! They're all out of sync, thanks to the last dumb-ass House Manager, and we're sending a car out for inspection one month, and getting the registration sticker two or three months later. How messed up is that?)
This is a constant rotation in and out, of course -- and clearly the burden on my shoulders is that my employers don't get stopped by a cop for some out-of-date sticker. (That would be the end of me around here! lol!)
Second, the groundskeepers Maurizio and Dario, are in charge of keeping all the cars washed and polished. They even have a compressor to keep all the tires fluffed up!
And it's their job to run the cars out for gasoline. (Petrol, benzine-- as you call it in Europe.)
(The Missus has no idea how to do this -- none whatsoever! To be honest, I can't even imagine her standing there beside her car with a pump handle in hand -- in her stilettos and Cartier jewels on both wrists and fingers-- fueling her own car! No!!! That doesn't happen! In fact, it's beyond all comprehension! Ha! Have you ever seen a photo of Elizabeth Taylor or Queen Elizabeth gassing up their own limos?)
And third, these expensive car dealerships are great about picking up the vehicles for routine maintenance, and returning them as well. So that's one burden off my shoulders. (And due to my employers' erratic driving abilities, frequent visits to the body shop are also accommodated just as easily by the dealerships.)
So that's how we handle all the cars around here. And I'm sure this has been the most idiotic post I've ever written!
But these things are important. Right? A car has to be up and running, fully fueled and with all current stickers required, before we can release it for anyone to drive.
And that burden is squarely on my shoulders.
Thanks for reading!
And good night!
Andrew
.
As the butler here on a billionaire's estate, I get a lot of questions about the cars my employers drive.
Sedans, sports cars, SUV's -- and as you might expect, all the biggies come into play here -- Bentley, Rolls Royce, Mercedes, Lamborghini, Jaguar, even Cadillac.
Due to confidentiality, you understand, I can't actually reveal which ones are garaged here.
But I do have lots of fun stuff to tell you!
According to my "confidant" at the Foundation, there's fourteen cars on the insurance roll! Dear God!
Eight of them are here at the Residence, including my household errand car. And I'm assuming the others are at their homes in Aspen and the Caymans. (As far as I know, they don't keep cars at their 'Pied-a-terres' in France and Switzerland.)
All this for two people!!!
And as these cars don't get driven that often, our biggest problem around here is keeping all the batteries up and running!
But here's how we handle all of it:
First, I'm in charge of seeing that all the cars have new inspection and registration stickers. And I have a chart, month by month, showing which car needs what.
(And while most of us have our inspection and registration done in the same month, no such luck around here! They're all out of sync, thanks to the last dumb-ass House Manager, and we're sending a car out for inspection one month, and getting the registration sticker two or three months later. How messed up is that?)
This is a constant rotation in and out, of course -- and clearly the burden on my shoulders is that my employers don't get stopped by a cop for some out-of-date sticker. (That would be the end of me around here! lol!)
Second, the groundskeepers Maurizio and Dario, are in charge of keeping all the cars washed and polished. They even have a compressor to keep all the tires fluffed up!
And it's their job to run the cars out for gasoline. (Petrol, benzine-- as you call it in Europe.)
(The Missus has no idea how to do this -- none whatsoever! To be honest, I can't even imagine her standing there beside her car with a pump handle in hand -- in her stilettos and Cartier jewels on both wrists and fingers-- fueling her own car! No!!! That doesn't happen! In fact, it's beyond all comprehension! Ha! Have you ever seen a photo of Elizabeth Taylor or Queen Elizabeth gassing up their own limos?)
And third, these expensive car dealerships are great about picking up the vehicles for routine maintenance, and returning them as well. So that's one burden off my shoulders. (And due to my employers' erratic driving abilities, frequent visits to the body shop are also accommodated just as easily by the dealerships.)
So that's how we handle all the cars around here. And I'm sure this has been the most idiotic post I've ever written!
But these things are important. Right? A car has to be up and running, fully fueled and with all current stickers required, before we can release it for anyone to drive.
And that burden is squarely on my shoulders.
Thanks for reading!
And good night!
Andrew
.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
FAQ: "Do Rich People Go To Disney World?"
_____________________________________________
I recently wrote a post entitled "Do Rich People Have Friends"?
And I got a terrific comment from a fellow named Justin L. Dew, who simply asked "Do rich people go to Disney World?"
This was the exact interpretation of what I was trying to write about, and I thought I'd share what shallow answer I might have with you -- instead of burying it in a comment reply.
I can't answer for all rich people, of course. But here's what I know, based upon long observations.
If rich kids go to Disney World, they most likely go with a Nanny or a Tutor, or their Chauffeur. (Of course, there's sponsored field trips, as well.)
But their parents are seemingly too busy to expend all those hours on such idleness.
(And I'm making no judgement calls whatsoever! I'm quite sure the majority of rich kids raised by Nannies and Chauffeurs don't turn out to be sociopaths! lol!)
Moving on -- it seems to me that rich people avoid whatever the masses are doing, not wanting to mingle with "The Great Unwashed".
While most of us are celebrating the Fourth of July in a public park watching fireworks, the rich are at high-brow cocktail parties, dressed to the hilt, possibly in some penthouse apartment overlooking the fireworks from above.
On New Year's, they wouldn't be caught dead in Times Square, watching that stupid ball drop. Instead, they'd be at a private party aboard a yatch in the Mediterranean, or in a hotel ballroom listening to Guy Lombardo's numerous revived versions of "Auld Lang Syne".
On Halloween, you won't see rich kids running up and down the streets, asking for candy. They'd be brought along to an elegant cocktail party with hired ghosts and ghouls handing out goodies, and the ladies all wearing bejeweled and feathered masks, made in Venice.
And if they go to a football game, you'll find them in the VIP lounges, way at the top of the stadium, with waiters and bartenders in attendance.
So thank you Justin, for asking this question, and allowing me to elaborate.
Hope this has been fun, and not mean in any way.
The rich are simply different from the rest of us.
In so many, many ways.
Thanks for reading, and good night,
Andrew
PS: Justin's blog can be found at http://justinldew.blogspot.com
I recently wrote a post entitled "Do Rich People Have Friends"?
And I got a terrific comment from a fellow named Justin L. Dew, who simply asked "Do rich people go to Disney World?"
This was the exact interpretation of what I was trying to write about, and I thought I'd share what shallow answer I might have with you -- instead of burying it in a comment reply.
I can't answer for all rich people, of course. But here's what I know, based upon long observations.
If rich kids go to Disney World, they most likely go with a Nanny or a Tutor, or their Chauffeur. (Of course, there's sponsored field trips, as well.)
But their parents are seemingly too busy to expend all those hours on such idleness.
(And I'm making no judgement calls whatsoever! I'm quite sure the majority of rich kids raised by Nannies and Chauffeurs don't turn out to be sociopaths! lol!)
Moving on -- it seems to me that rich people avoid whatever the masses are doing, not wanting to mingle with "The Great Unwashed".
While most of us are celebrating the Fourth of July in a public park watching fireworks, the rich are at high-brow cocktail parties, dressed to the hilt, possibly in some penthouse apartment overlooking the fireworks from above.
On New Year's, they wouldn't be caught dead in Times Square, watching that stupid ball drop. Instead, they'd be at a private party aboard a yatch in the Mediterranean, or in a hotel ballroom listening to Guy Lombardo's numerous revived versions of "Auld Lang Syne".
On Halloween, you won't see rich kids running up and down the streets, asking for candy. They'd be brought along to an elegant cocktail party with hired ghosts and ghouls handing out goodies, and the ladies all wearing bejeweled and feathered masks, made in Venice.
And if they go to a football game, you'll find them in the VIP lounges, way at the top of the stadium, with waiters and bartenders in attendance.
So thank you Justin, for asking this question, and allowing me to elaborate.
Hope this has been fun, and not mean in any way.
The rich are simply different from the rest of us.
In so many, many ways.
Thanks for reading, and good night,
Andrew
PS: Justin's blog can be found at http://justinldew.blogspot.com
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Convenience and the Rich!
___________________________________________
Operating on the theory that "Time is Money", one thing the rich are always looking for is convenience!
Most of them have house staff to see after their quotidian needs -- cleaning, making their beds, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, meal preparation and, of course, all the cleanup afterward.
Nice, right? Who wouldn't like that?
But it goes much further!
- Although the Missus enjoys going to the spa, if there's a time crunch at all, she has a hairdresser and manicurist who will come here to the house on a moment's notice.
- She has a Personal Shopper who floats around town checking out all the latest designs, and brings stuff to the house for her to try on.
- And her tailor will also come to the house, for a private fitting.
- The Mister's barber shows up at his office, every Thursday after lunch.
- Both of them have their favorite massage therapists who come on an as-needed basis.
- As for their cars, the Groundskeepers (Maurizio and Dario) wash them, gas them up, and take them out for inspection and routine maintenance.
Other conveniences we indulge in around here include:
- The dry cleaner picks up and delivers twice a week, and can make an emergency one-day turn around, if needed.
- Our dog groomer comes every Friday morning. And a dog walker is on call if we're all too busy.
- The pharmacy delivers, of course -- anything from prescriptions to aspirin.
- Caterers prepare and deliver goodies for our cocktail parties (if Chef is not available, or drunk).
- The Florist is in and out all the time, bringing and arranging fresh flowers in the house vases. (What a mess!)
- And the rug cleaners pick up and return our Persians as needed, including moving all the furniture, thank you very much.
I'm sure I've left something out, but that's a lot of services, right?
Of course, they need someone to schedule all these people in and out, and let them in the gates.
Well -- that would be me! The Butler. And another one of their conveniences! Ha!
Hope this has been fun!
This luxurious world of the rich is something most of us can only dream about.
Good night,
Andrew
Operating on the theory that "Time is Money", one thing the rich are always looking for is convenience!
Most of them have house staff to see after their quotidian needs -- cleaning, making their beds, doing the laundry, grocery shopping, meal preparation and, of course, all the cleanup afterward.
Nice, right? Who wouldn't like that?
But it goes much further!
- Although the Missus enjoys going to the spa, if there's a time crunch at all, she has a hairdresser and manicurist who will come here to the house on a moment's notice.
- She has a Personal Shopper who floats around town checking out all the latest designs, and brings stuff to the house for her to try on.
- And her tailor will also come to the house, for a private fitting.
- The Mister's barber shows up at his office, every Thursday after lunch.
- Both of them have their favorite massage therapists who come on an as-needed basis.
- As for their cars, the Groundskeepers (Maurizio and Dario) wash them, gas them up, and take them out for inspection and routine maintenance.
Other conveniences we indulge in around here include:
- The dry cleaner picks up and delivers twice a week, and can make an emergency one-day turn around, if needed.
- Our dog groomer comes every Friday morning. And a dog walker is on call if we're all too busy.
- The pharmacy delivers, of course -- anything from prescriptions to aspirin.
- Caterers prepare and deliver goodies for our cocktail parties (if Chef is not available, or drunk).
- The Florist is in and out all the time, bringing and arranging fresh flowers in the house vases. (What a mess!)
- And the rug cleaners pick up and return our Persians as needed, including moving all the furniture, thank you very much.
I'm sure I've left something out, but that's a lot of services, right?
Of course, they need someone to schedule all these people in and out, and let them in the gates.
Well -- that would be me! The Butler. And another one of their conveniences! Ha!
Hope this has been fun!
This luxurious world of the rich is something most of us can only dream about.
Good night,
Andrew
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Finding a Conservator!
_________________________________________
In the article a few days back entitled "Finials in a Billionaire's House", I mentioned that when anything around here gets broken we immediately send if off to a professional conservator.
I've had several inquiries about how to actually find a good conservator. And it's true, these guys are a rare breed and sometimes hard to locate.
In the Yellow Pages in most cities, if you look up "Conservator" all you'll find is "Conservationists", which is a whole different thing.
A "Conservator" is someone who can repair and preserve works of art, buildings and other items of cultural interest. Whereas a "Conservationist" is generally someone caring for the environment or wildlife.
But there are two easy ways to find a good conservator:
- First, you can just go to the nearest museum in your area and ask them who repairs their stuff.
- And second, any good conservator worth his salt is registered with the American Institute for Conservation of Historic and Artistic Works. (AIC)
So, if you have a damaged oil painting, a valuable-but-musty book, or a broken vase or figurine, just go to AIC's website.
At the top of the page, on the right, there's a box that says "Find a Conservator". Just click on that, and follow instructions about what you need, and your zip code. And in no time they'll send you information on their registered members closest to your location. (How easy is that?)
But some advice here: if you have a broken vase, for example, then you'll need to get out your magnifying glass and tweezers and pick up every tiny fragment and sliver of that vase, and put them into small envelopes. Then carefully wrap all the larger pieces one by one, and send the whole miserable mess to your favorite conservator.
(But again, if that vase is worth a hundred-thousand-dollars -- you need to find every broken fragment and sliver!)
Art restoration is an interesting and intriguing field. And if I had to do life over, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of this line of work.
Not to mention the high pay!
(Because it's going to cost you a small fortune to have that stupid vase repaired! Ha!)
Hope this has been helpful!
Good night,
Andrew
In the article a few days back entitled "Finials in a Billionaire's House", I mentioned that when anything around here gets broken we immediately send if off to a professional conservator.
I've had several inquiries about how to actually find a good conservator. And it's true, these guys are a rare breed and sometimes hard to locate.
In the Yellow Pages in most cities, if you look up "Conservator" all you'll find is "Conservationists", which is a whole different thing.
A "Conservator" is someone who can repair and preserve works of art, buildings and other items of cultural interest. Whereas a "Conservationist" is generally someone caring for the environment or wildlife.
But there are two easy ways to find a good conservator:
- First, you can just go to the nearest museum in your area and ask them who repairs their stuff.
- And second, any good conservator worth his salt is registered with the American Institute for Conservation of Historic and Artistic Works. (AIC)
So, if you have a damaged oil painting, a valuable-but-musty book, or a broken vase or figurine, just go to AIC's website.
At the top of the page, on the right, there's a box that says "Find a Conservator". Just click on that, and follow instructions about what you need, and your zip code. And in no time they'll send you information on their registered members closest to your location. (How easy is that?)
But some advice here: if you have a broken vase, for example, then you'll need to get out your magnifying glass and tweezers and pick up every tiny fragment and sliver of that vase, and put them into small envelopes. Then carefully wrap all the larger pieces one by one, and send the whole miserable mess to your favorite conservator.
(But again, if that vase is worth a hundred-thousand-dollars -- you need to find every broken fragment and sliver!)
Art restoration is an interesting and intriguing field. And if I had to do life over, I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy the challenge and satisfaction of this line of work.
Not to mention the high pay!
(Because it's going to cost you a small fortune to have that stupid vase repaired! Ha!)
Hope this has been helpful!
Good night,
Andrew
Saturday, May 5, 2012
FAQ: Do Rich People Have Friends?
_________________________________________
Well, sure they do!
But I understand the question.
Does the Missus grab a quick lunch or hang out at the mall with her girlfriends?
No!
Does some guy with a bucket of chicken wings and a six-pack stop by to watch a game with the Mister?
No!
Rich people, especially those with a high profile, generally have carefully controlled schedules -- and movements. And they usually stay within their established enclaves, of other likewise rich.
Instead of hanging out at the mall, the Missus will have a planned shopping spree with her closest friends in New York or London -- with their personal shoppers alerted in each store -- and with reservations at a posh restaurant for lunch!
And the Mister might host a game party -- complete with multiple screens, fully catered of course, and a bartender on hand!
Nice!
But decidedly lacking in spontaneity! Wouldn't you say?
Ha!
Such is their world of luxury, comfort -- and personal security.
A wild and crazy tailgate party is simply out of the question! (If they even know what that is!)
Thanks for stopping by!
Good night,
Andrew
Well, sure they do!
But I understand the question.
Does the Missus grab a quick lunch or hang out at the mall with her girlfriends?
No!
Does some guy with a bucket of chicken wings and a six-pack stop by to watch a game with the Mister?
No!
Rich people, especially those with a high profile, generally have carefully controlled schedules -- and movements. And they usually stay within their established enclaves, of other likewise rich.
Instead of hanging out at the mall, the Missus will have a planned shopping spree with her closest friends in New York or London -- with their personal shoppers alerted in each store -- and with reservations at a posh restaurant for lunch!
And the Mister might host a game party -- complete with multiple screens, fully catered of course, and a bartender on hand!
Nice!
But decidedly lacking in spontaneity! Wouldn't you say?
Ha!
Such is their world of luxury, comfort -- and personal security.
A wild and crazy tailgate party is simply out of the question! (If they even know what that is!)
Thanks for stopping by!
Good night,
Andrew
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
How to Dust a Lampshade!
_________________________________________________
In the last article about finials in this billionaire's home, I mentioned we take the lampshades outside for dusting.
And I've had a few email inquiries as to how and why.
So I'm happy to share what I know:
- The lampshades here are mostly designed with expensive, pleated materials. And feather dusters, even ostrich, don't work that well on fabrics!
- Lint rollers can stretch the fabric (very dangerous), and don't clean inside the pleats!
- If you attempt to vacuum the shades (even set on low suction) it's very easy to suck in and tear delicate fabrics! (And you'll not want to do that!)
So what to do?
In Butler School we were taught to take lamp shades outside and dust them with a very-fine, soft-bristle paint brush. That simple!
And you won't believe the clouds of dust and pollen you'll sweep off!!!
It's time consuming, of course. Especially when dealing with over two-hundred-and-fifty lamps, as we are.
And while you might break the finial like Ester did (ha!), at least you won't damage the fabrics!
This is extremely important to those of us who suffer from allergies! (How long has it been since you gave that lamp shade on your bedside table a good dusting?)
Hope this was informative and somewhat helpful. (This is a fun event for us, four times a year. We crank up the music and spend all day running in and out, dusting every lampshade in the house! But then, of course, we're getting paid for this task, aren't we? Ha!)
Thanks for reading!
And good night,
Andrew
In the last article about finials in this billionaire's home, I mentioned we take the lampshades outside for dusting.
And I've had a few email inquiries as to how and why.
So I'm happy to share what I know:
- The lampshades here are mostly designed with expensive, pleated materials. And feather dusters, even ostrich, don't work that well on fabrics!
- Lint rollers can stretch the fabric (very dangerous), and don't clean inside the pleats!
- If you attempt to vacuum the shades (even set on low suction) it's very easy to suck in and tear delicate fabrics! (And you'll not want to do that!)
So what to do?
In Butler School we were taught to take lamp shades outside and dust them with a very-fine, soft-bristle paint brush. That simple!
And you won't believe the clouds of dust and pollen you'll sweep off!!!
It's time consuming, of course. Especially when dealing with over two-hundred-and-fifty lamps, as we are.
And while you might break the finial like Ester did (ha!), at least you won't damage the fabrics!
This is extremely important to those of us who suffer from allergies! (How long has it been since you gave that lamp shade on your bedside table a good dusting?)
Hope this was informative and somewhat helpful. (This is a fun event for us, four times a year. We crank up the music and spend all day running in and out, dusting every lampshade in the house! But then, of course, we're getting paid for this task, aren't we? Ha!)
Thanks for reading!
And good night,
Andrew
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