Thursday, February 25, 2016

The Dreadful New Girlfriend!

I need to blow off some steam here tonight and tell you this new woman showing up during the weekdays is driving me crazy!

In the last post I mentioned I'd had to buy roses for whoever showed up here on Valentine's day, and it turned out to be her. The regular weekend girlfriend had family in town and didn't come out here to the Hampton's. Then out of the blue this weekday trollop showed up.

Okay, fine. Whatever. We found the Valentine card I bought in the trash, unsigned and unheeded, Which is fine too, I don't care. But when she left on Monday she took the roses with her, along with the $600 cut lead crystal vase which really gets my goat. I can't tell you how many times this has happened, and the vase closet is half empty. I swear I'm going to start putting roses in cut-down milk cartons (elegantly wrapped in red cellophane of course) and be done with it. That was my favorite vase in the house and I want it back!

It's not that she's a vacuous, vapid airhead or anything like that. (Well maybe.) But she's just so damned clumsy. Already she's broken two monogrammed Baccarat wine glasses ($475 each!), she spills stuff all over the kitchen when she's mixing Bloody Marys in the mornings -  and then there's the red wine horrors.

This lady likes to take her glass of red wine and some snacks upstairs to the master bedroom at night. And again that's fine. Crumbs in the bed, so what?

But then one afternoon when the Mister and trollop finally left the house, Ester the upstairs maid called me in a panic. I dashed upstairs and there it was, on the girlfriend's side of the bed, this huge red wine stain on the sheets. Not just any sheets mind you, but $5,000 Pratesi sheets from Italy!

Ester was practically hyperventilating when I got there. Since the stain was so fresh we were able to flush it out with cold water, and along with some pre-wash spray, it did come out. But dear God what a lot of hoops we have to jump through to accommodate this woman's erratic behavior.

We have some antique French chairs and settees in the formal sitting rooms, older than the United States itself. What if this clumsy bitch ungracious lady sloshes red wine on that? Then we're in real trouble. You can't just throw a chair into the washing machine, now can you? (Which, by the way, is precisely why most rich people and caterers serve only white wine at large cocktail parties in their high-dollar luxury homes.)

Okay, enough ranting. But this is not easy stuff we're dealing with these days. Juggling all these women and their quirks, not to mention their lingering perfume scents in the bedrooms and automobiles, is like a whole Vaudeville routine going on around here.

Thanks for letting me vent, and as always, thanks for stopping by tonight,


Saturday, February 13, 2016

Happy Saint Valentine's Day 2016! (Ugh!)

I'm so pissed tonight I can't even think straight! Late in the day, at the very last minute, my seventy-year-old employer called me up and asked if I could run out and get some roses and a card for Valentine's day.

This is not the first year the old buzzard has done this to me. So on Friday's shopping at the market I went ahead and picked up two dozen reds, some baby's breath blooms, and a card.

Since I have NO IDEA who he's giving this to (the Weekday Girlfriend or the Weekend Girlfriend) I bought a completely innocuous card that simply said "Happy Valentine's Day" - nothing mushy or anywhere near approaching the word "Love".

Ester the upstairs maid was kind enough to cut the stems for me and shove the whole mess into a nice cut-lead vase, and put it down in the wine cellar to stay fresh. So all I really had to do was bring it upstairs, place the card there with a writing pen (since he can't ever find one) and that's that.

Maurizio, one of our Italian grounds keepers, reported that the old man was running from the front door to the service door this afternoon, looking for his pharmacy delivery of Viagra. (He honestly thinks we don't know about this!) But since the gates are closed the pharmacy ALWAYS drops it off in the mailbox outside.

Why on earth can't he remember that instead of disturbing my evening and calling me up for an emergency run to the pharmacy? It's right outside there in the damned mailbox!

Talk about true love and romance, huh?

I hope your Valentine's day is full of a lot more happiness and love than what I see going on around here. Rich people are a whole world unto themselves.

Happy Saint Valentine's Day!

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Well crap! Here comes Lent!

Today is Mardi Gras all over the world for Protestants and Catholics alike. From the historic street parties in Venice, to the raucous parades in the French Quarter in New Orleans, to the renowned and lavish displays in Rio - it's the last gasp of frivolity and fun before the beginning of Lent.

If your'e Protestant, it's not really a big problem. You can party the night away to your heart's content, all night long. But for Catholics this is deadly serious business. At the stroke of midnight tonight is the beginning of Lent. All partying and carrying on comes to an abrupt halt!

This sucks so bad I can't even think straight! It's the start of forty-six days of absolute human misery - involving penance, giving alms and self sacrifice - wherein we're supposed to give up something we enjoy or love. Like drinking, partying, or gaming too much on apps.

It's much worse than stupid New Year's resolutions (which we can ditch at any time without consequence). But if you mess up during Lent you very well might be on the road to Hell! Which is a dreary thought and who really need's that, right?

So what to give up? I thought about Tweeting, which is not possible of course. Last year I tried to be clever and gave up giving up things up for Lent. But that didn't work out at all. I had nothing but bad luck for two solid months.

You can be sure my rich employer is not giving up anything. Honestly I have never met a more selfish and self-centered person in my entire life, bordering on personality disorders. But to give him a break, he's not really Catholic. He's Episcopalian for God's sake, one of those easy religions-of-convenience where nothing much is required, except for donations of course. But occasional attendance keeps him in touch with the rest of high society.

As much as I love politics, I think what I'm giving up for Lent is to stop watching the non-stop coverage of this clownish presidential election coming up in America this year. It's much more healthy to watch the BBC World News anyhow, where we can find out what else is going on in this crazy complicated world besides our nutty politics.

Thanks for dropping in this evening and Happy Mardis Gras to all! If you're doing Lent this year, good luck! It's only forty-six days after all. We can get through this...

Andrew :(