A Billionaire's Christmas 2021

Well, well. Here we are at Christmastime again and it seems like we're in the same place we were two years ago. In 2020 Covid 19 first hit the scene and the whole world just shut down overnight. Airports were closed, schools and businesses closed, sports and entertainment events were shut down, and we were all quarantined in our apartments and homes all over the world. Shortages appeared everywhere - no milk, eggs, or canned goods in the supermarkets, and tissues, paper towels and toilet paper entirely disappeared.

In time we got new directives about hand washing, social distancing and wearing masks, and we slowly began to crawl out from that nightmare. Vaccines were put on the fast track and by the end of 2020 we began to get our first doses of life saving drugs. Long lines everywhere all over the world, but we did it and things began to slowly open up again and we struggled to get back to normal.

Then along came the Delta variant which brought a set back. But since we had learned so much and because so many of us had gotten vaccinated already, it didn't hit us anywhere near as badly as the first go round, and we continued along our path to normalcy. So much so that our pent-up desires for shopping created a shortage of products, and the whole maddening business of supply chain issues popped up.

We had planned a huge holiday gala here at the house with caterers, musicians, valet parkers, the whole nine yards to celebrate our liberation from Covid. When I ordered personalized embossed cocktail napkins and bathroom hand towels, the printer told us he couldn't get his hands on paper products. Okay, fine. I'll just buy generic napkins and towels from a party shop and hope that our guests are too boozed up to notice such a trifle. But when I found out that caviar and some important French champagnes were also in short supply, that's when my head practically exploded! What?  

And now this new Omicron variant comes along and threatens a tsunami of infections, hospitalizations and death, especially among those who have not been vaccinated. Once again schools and universities are moving to online classes, Broadway theaters (even Hamilton) have shut down, and sports events all over the world have been cancelled.

Our gala has been cancelled too of course, but not by us, by the caterer themselves. So we didn't lose a deposit there. But how sad and frustrating is that? We still plan to go ahead with a few cocktail parties, but the guest list has been limited to a few responsible adults whom we assume have gotten their vaccines and booster. 

After her bout with pneumonia and Covid last year, Dame Covington is afraid to go anywhere, and who could blame her? The poor old dear has invited me to a Christmas eve brunch to help her decorate her tree. Which is probably what I'll do. Going to my own family is out of the question this year under this new threat, and I do enjoy Dame Covington's company. She has some wonderful heirloom tree ornaments which I'm looking forward to seeing. Not to mention that her eggnog, spiked with a Louis XIII bottle of brandy from Cognac, France (roughly $3,850 a bottle) is to die for!

None of us knows what's about to hit us in the next few months or the coming new year. Nonetheless I do hope you're planning to have some nice holiday celebrations with family and friends, no matter what. Thanks for stopping by tonight. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

And by all means, stay safe!

Andrew 

 

Happy Holidays 2019!

Ahhh! After all the preparations, shopping, decorating and sheer hard work, the payoff is finally here and the holidays are upon us!

I don't know about you but I'm fairly well exhausted myself. While I'm looking forward as to how it all unfolds, I'm also looking forward to January 2 when it's all finally over and deep, deep winter sets it. A sweet period of rest and respite before the spring social season starts winding up.

Holiday preparations this year have been especially difficult for two reasons. The first being that house renovations (mostly painting and plumbing) have been underway at the same time we've been trying to decorate both the interior and exterior of the house for Christmas, which has been tricky. (Mud tracked through the carpets next to the Christmas tree is not a welcome sight!)

But the other is my employer's new déclassé lady friend who seems like she doesn't know upside from down most of the time. It's not her fault that she's lost in this world of the super rich, and she seems sincere enough in her affections toward my eighty-year-old employer. But her lack of social skills has been maddening. We got through the small Thanksgiving and pre-Christmas cocktail parties without her messing anything up. But suddenly she's decided to throw a soirée of her own to introduce her friends to my employer, right between Christmas and New Year's. And she announced it to me as though I'd take care of everything. But no, no, no!

Her guest list started out at about twenty-five, but swelled to eighty-five when my employer heard about it and decided to add some of his friends as well. Mind you, before my employer's scandalous divorce we've had galas in this house for literally hundreds of people, so eighty-five seems like nothing to me. But this new woman just started to spin around like a child's toy top, as though she had never had to deal with so many guests. To help her out I introduced her to our caterers, and convinced her she needs a bartender and valet parkers. Mercifully this particular time frame is dead for them, so they are able to accommodate her.

But of course with such a late decision she was not able to send out Save-The-Date notices followed by formal invitations to anyone, just phone calls and emails. So her RSVP drop-out rate is a whopping 50%, compared to the usual 20% for a well-planned event. Honestly I'll be surprised if even forty people show up

I hope your holiday preparations have gone more smoothly than mine, and that your drop-out rate is only 20% or even less!

As always, thank you so much for reading and following along this year! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and all best wishes for a happy and curious New Year!

Andrew 

  

THE ART OF THE HOST by Alex Hitz

With Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and New Years Eve bearing down upon us in rapid order, most of us have been racking our brains to come up with something unique and fresh for our events and festivals. Even with the help of our events planner and caterers, that's certainly the case around here and my nerves are slightly frayed. Even with tried-and-true recipes and decorations, there's always a way to tweak things so that the event will not only be successful but also different and memorable for our family and friends.

One of my dearest friends recently hosted a book-signing party for her long time pal Alex Hitz - "The very best host in the world" - according to the Wall Street Journal. And she was kind enough to send me a signed copy! Filled with exciting ideas for planning a party and complete with his best recipes, Alex even added a chapter called "The Art of the Guest" which I skipped to first thing, being that it touches my own world as a butler and how guests are theoretically supposed to behave.

Published by none other than Rizzoli International, you can see this sumptuous book and actually take a look inside at this Amazon link: The Art of the Host; Recipes and Rules for Flawless Entertaining by Alex Hitz

Also, more than once in this blog I've recommended a book by the famous Washington DC hostess Sally Quinn. Full of gossip and hysterical from start to finish, Quinn's philosophy for parties was to always expect a disaster!

She didn't feel her events were a true success unless some famous Senator, Congressman or Hollywood persona fell over drunk in the floor and had to be escorted home. She describes what happened one time when her caterers got the date wrong and she had to order buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken for her fancy guests! And she goes on to call out other DC hostesses whose parties were a flop and why, which created no end to gossip and scandal! Also available on Amazon Books, here's a link to The Party; Adventures in Entertaining.

So, armed with Alex Hitz and Sally Quinn, how could I possibly go wrong with planning any event around here? (And then, why am I still so agitated?)

I hope your party plans are going smoothly! Whether it's a dazzling gala, a small cocktail buffet, or a traditional family dinner with beloved handed-down family recipes, I'm sure you'll make every effort to make it fun and memorable for all.

As always, thanks for dropping by this evening. I'm quite exhausted myself, but excited at the same time. We just have to plow on through, right?

Andrew   

Winter Doldrums in the World of the Rich!

"I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the audience tonight, especially on the old faces." - Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show.

With the spring social season just around the corner, this is the time of year when rich people all over the world begin to trickle home after mysteriously vanishing to Switzerland for a few weeks. While their face lifts and other unmentionable nips and tucks might only take a few hours in surgery, it takes a couple of weeks or more for the healing and bruising to subside. And there are plenty of luxury spas in Switzerland to accommodate this recovery time.

At the end of the month we're hosting a small soirée for several couples who have just returned from their winter "vacations", ready to step back out into high society. Dame Covington is practically giddy in anticipation. Said she, "I wonder if we'll recognize anyone?"

My employer and his new girlfriend did go to a rejuvenation spa in Switzerland, but only for a week. And there are no discernible nips, tucks or bruising that we can tell. Ester, the Upstairs Maid, has a keener eye than I, and she suspects they have opted for Botox treatments this year, rather than plastic surgery. While I've noted some puffiness now and then, I can't really tell the difference between too much alcohol or if they're simply retaining and bloated.

But I'm looking forward to the party and the parade of stretched foreheads, alarmingly wide-open eyes, and the sometimes-permanent smiles that come from too many trips to the fountain of youth. Chef and I both agree that a snappy (if somewhat bitchy) cocktail party is just what we need to get warmed up for the onslaught of the social season - which could be a humdinger this year considering how politically polarized everyone has become in the last couple of years.

To be sure, it will be a welcome relief from a rather dull winter this year. Unlike in years past before the divorce, there were no large galas or other dazzling events, no holidays celebrated here in the house, only a smidgen of small rather-dull cocktail parties now and then - all of which I blame on the obnoxious new girlfriend. But nonetheless, we in the house staff tried to make the best of it.

In the last post I told you about Christmas with Dame Covington, which was utterly charming. Then New Year's came along and turned out to be totally uneventful. Although the new girlfriend said she wanted to have a quiet evening with just a few of her déclassé friends over for cocktails (which I really wasn't looking forward to) they wound up going to one of their private dinner clubs in the city. Which gave me the chance to celebrate the evening with a few déclassé friends of my own.

Then Valentine's Day crept up, like it does on all of us, right? And I really didn't know what to do. I did have the good sense to have our florist fill all the vases in the downstairs with red-rose arrangements. And Chef made sure we had plenty of champagne, chocolates and caviar on hand, just in case.

But again we got a reprieve! They booked rooms at the Plaza Hotel and had dinner at the Oak Room (on the ground floor of the hotel) the night of their arrival. And then the next day they had Valentine's lunch at the Plaza's Palm Court. As cliché as that all may sound, we were delighted to have the evening free! Chef made some chocolate-dipped strawberries for Dame Covington, and she was delighted as well.

I hope you got through all the holidays without undue stress, and that your winter blues have passed smoothly. Spring is just around the corner, with all the hope and renewal that always seems to bring.

As always, thanks for stopping by this evening,

Andrew         

Christmas With Dame Covington!

It seems that Dame Covington has taken full-time sanctuary here ever since her unfortunate incarceration a couple of months back for assault. Other than a small bruise and hurt feelings, her victim sustained no permanent physical damage, has dropped all charges, and no lawsuits have been forthcoming. Yet still the Dame is hiding out here to let the dust settle and regain some modicum of dignity before venturing back out into local high society - and we are so pleased with her delightful company.

Last evening, in fact, she saved a cocktail party from becoming an utter disaster. I mentioned a couple of years ago that I'm not a big fan of Antonio Vivaldi. His Four Seasons composition is pleasant enough. But his concertos (relegated to breakfast music by most civilized people) are just so dingy and repetitive -  totally maddening in my opinion. In fact, composer Igor Stravinsky said, "Vivaldi didn't write four-hundred concertos, he wrote one concerto four hundred times!"

Apparently Dame Covington has a similar opinion, which endears her to me even more. My employer's latest girlfriend (number seven by our count) invited a few of her déclassé friends over for holiday cocktails. The Dame was already downstairs, and just as I setting out the hors d'oeuvres Miss Seven came downstairs and greeted us with charm, if not grace. She went over to the CD player (yes, we still have one of those) and thumbed through the collection of albums, randomly pulling one out and popping it in before her guests arrived.

When it turned out to be Vivaldi concertos, Dame Covington's eyebrows shot up in surprise and she gave me a look of what can only be described as alarm, bordering on panic. And I'm afraid my own expression of shock offered little to relieve her distress. But with finesse, aplomb and well-practiced diplomacy, Dame Covington stood up and began her plan of attack:

Dame: "My dear, I see you're a fan of Vivaldi?"
Seven: "Who?"
Dame: "The composer of these charming concertos."
Seven: "Oh.
Dame: "Have you ever heard his Four Seasons?
Seven: "Not that I recall."
Dame: "Would you do an old lady a kindness and put them on now? They're just so lovely, especially for this time of evening."
Seven: "I'd be delighted, if we have it."

As Miss Seven shuffled through the CD collection to find the requested piece, Dame Covington looked at me with a devilish grin and rolled her eyes. I had to suppress a laugh, but I really wanted to kiss her!

Seven: "Who's this Edit Piaf? There's several of her albums here."
Dame: "Oh, how wonderful. Lets do listen to her!"

And thus the evening was saved! Vivaldi free, as it were. In fact, I'm going to hide his albums up in the attic so we don't have to run into this nightmare again.

With Christmas fast approaching, it seems that my employer and Miss Seven will be spending the holiday in Cabo San Lucas. Not very Christmas-y in my opinion, but at least they'll be out of here for awhile. Which leaves only me, the house staff, the dogs and Dame Covington to celebrate the day together. Chef has generously offered to serve up a Christmas dinner for all of us, and asked the Dame what she prefers.

At her request it seems we'll be having a traditional British meal. Except instead of turkey there will be individual Cornish game hens for each of us, along with stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. But Chef declined to personally make the Dame's request for a British Christmas Pudding and took it on himself to ask our personal shopper in London to send one over from Harrods - which will be a great gift and treat for all of us!

I asked the Dame if I should set a formal table in the dining room for the event. But she insisted to sit with us at the High Table below stairs where servants have their meals. Now tell me, how classy is that?

I hope you're having a wonderful holiday season and planning a splendid Christmas dinner with family and friends. As always, thank you for reading - not just tonight but for all this year past! Merry Christmas, and a peaceful and Happy New Year!

Andrew

Christmas Gifts for the Rich: The Orient Express!

In September I mentioned a few items that might be great gifts for the super rich. It's really hard to buy for them, you know? Considering they already have everything under the sun, right?

But thanks to our Twitter pal Jim Kendall (luxury real-estate mogul in Boston) it occurs to me that the gift of travel could be entirely unique and well received by our rich friends - if presented carefully and in the right way. Who doesn't love to get out of town and do something different, right?

For example, how about open tickets (meaning 'at your convenience' ) for a ten-day holiday on a luxury Mediterranean cruise ship? (Which is generally under $50,000 per couple.)

And then, how about open reservations for a six-day revitalization visit to the luxury spa Clinique La Prairie in Switzerland? Who wouldn't appreciate that? (About $33,000 per person, or $66,000 per couple.)

Or perhaps open tickets for the three-room apartments on the UAE's luxury airline Ethiad Air -complete with a private shower before landing? (A round-trip ticket from New York to Mumbai, for example, would be roughly $76,000 per couple.)

But Jim was talking about something new altogether. It seems the renowned Orient Express, serving the rich and famous since 1883, is upgrading some cars to accommodate the current new breed of super rich - who are always looking for new thrills and adventures. In it's long 135 year history the train has not only been known for luxury but also mystery and intrigue - as in Agatha Christie's book and film Murder On the Orient Express.

Like many other children, my father bought me a miniature train set when I was a child and I've been hooked on train travel ever since. As a family we took trains all across America and Canada, with sleeping cars, an observation car, and a dining room with linens and crystal wine glasses on the table. All so awesome! And then in later years as a poor back-packing student traveling in Europe, cheap passenger trains were always the transportation of choice. Not just for the scenic beauty but also the wonderful people you meet along the journey.

One summer in Istanbul I went to the train station to check out the Destination Board, trying to decide where to go to next. To my excitement the Orient Express was pulling into the station at that very same time! At least twice I walked the entire length of the train on the platform, peering into windows and watching the well-heeled passengers depart - summonsing porters to pick up their Louis Vuitton luggage and steamer trunks. Just so elegant and mind boggling!

But now getting back to the subject, here's a link to the newly added suites for the super rich on the Orient Express. At a mere $7,000 per night per person, you can easily see why this would be a great gift for your best rich friends. That's only about $200,000 for a couple to have a two-week trip, right? Perfect for a honeymoon or anniversary celebration, as well as other such reckless events.  Conde Nast Traveler

I hope this has been somewhat helpful in making gift decisions this year?  Or what?

As always, thanks for dropping in this evening,
Andrew

Thanksgiving Greetings 2015!

I know we're all busy this week preparing for the onslaught of family and friends for the annual Thanksgiving feast, but I just wanted to drop in for a moment and say hello. Things are buzzing around here as well, but nothing so glamours or exciting as when the former Missus was here.

The new girlfriend is having a few of her trashy friends in and out during the four-day holiday, including Thanksgiving dinner itself. Compared to the haute couture seen around here in previous years, we're talking off-the-rack cocktail attire, faux furs, and costume jewelry for days! (I could black out just thinking about it!)

Knowing I'm not going to cooperate, she at least had the good sense to hire a caterer to take care of everything, and I'm taking the opportunity to duck out of here for a few days.

In a rare move on my part, I didn't ask but rather announced that I'm going to be with my family this year for Thanksgiving - daring them to rebut. In the six years I've been here I've had only one holiday off a few years back. Other than that I've been here for every holiday event - Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. It's more or less part of the job description to be around for the holidays, and I knew that before I jumped in.

But this déclassé party coming up is too much to bear, and it's about time I had a break. One holiday off every six years isn't too much to ask, is it?

In any case the old man (my teetering employer) seemed to take it well and truth known, the new girlfriend is probably glad to get rid of me anyway. Surely she's weary of me looking down my nose at her and her doltish friends.

I know I'm skating on thin ice and may not have a job when I get back. But so be it. The lack of glamour around here has become boring anyway, and I know I should move on. If there's any blow back at all, I'll just call up the agency and ask them to get me out of here!

All I know right now is that I have four glorious days off - away from them and with my own family! Which allows me to truly and happily say Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope your celebrations go well, and thanks for stopping by tonight,

Andrew

Fall Foliage 2015! Happy Autumn!

I know it's hard to believe but Autumn's here again, beginning today in case you haven't noticed! Things have been so nutty and busy around here that I'm totally out of touch with the calendar.

It's always so hard to let go of summer and face the cold weather ahead. Plus this day signifies the onslaught of holidays about to hit us like a steam roller - like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's - bring it on.

But maybe we can take a moment to enjoy this wonderful transition between hot and cold and look forward to the natural beauty during this time of year. If you happen to live in a Fall Foliage Zone you'll soon be seeing the trees in your area displaying brilliant colors of pink, red, orange, yellow, gold and purple - like a last splendid gift before going dormant for the winter.

Even if you don't live in these zones you can still see the colors by taking a drive through the ritzy neighborhoods in almost every American city in less temperate areas. You see, not to be left out the rich hire landscapers who import non-indigenous trees specifically to enjoy these fall colors.

If you have the time and money of course, you can take a leisurely train ride through the regions where fall foliage is a big tourist attraction. Some of these trains even have pleasantries like cocktails and hors d'hoeuvres being served along the way.

My rich employers have even rented the entire Presidents car (aptly named "Determination") on the New Hampshire fall foliage train for themselves and their rich friends. Reminiscent of the grand days of railroad barons, it's a lavish private parlor car with a grand piano, and chefs and waiters to cater to every need along the way. But this same train has other cars for regular folk, with reasonable prices to enjoy the view.

Meanwhile, to help get us in the mood for this amazing time of year, here's a dreamy YouTube link to the little sparrow Edith Piaf and her lovely rendition of 'Autumn Leaves' - 'Les Feuilles Mortes'.

Thanks for dropping in tonight, and Happy Autumn!

Andrew

Robert Duvall's Mom and Her Famous Crab Cakes!

Recently the house where I work was lent out to a special event, which is nothing unusual around here. It's just a thing rich people do by way of non-involved charity - and maybe a little publicity within the community and a degree of good will to boot.

It was for some kind of professional business club and certainly nothing splashy to speak of - no diamonds, expensive watches or furs. Just lots of people running around with name tags on their polyester suits - something a little shocking and rarely seen around here but I'm dealing with it right along.

In any case, it required little on my part except to be here during prime gym time. It was fully catered of course - a chef, waiters, valet parkers out front, even a bartender. While I wasn't familiar with the caterer engaged for the evening, they turned out to be wonderful. The type who are smart enough to bring plenty of food not only for the party but also for their own employees and the house staff here as well. I mean, if we're all supposed to give up our evenings and work the damned party, the least is that we all get to join in and sample the food, don't you think?

Anyhow, the caterer made the best crab cakes I've ever tasted, honestly! When I inquired about the recipe she somewhat smugly said it was Robert Duvall's mother's recipe. I naturally assumed she knew the Duvall family personally and didn't question her further.

However, as the evening dragged endlessly on we became more chummy and gossip finally raised it's ugly head - normally reserved for those of intimate acquaintance, right? But we were all so tired and bored by this dreary unfashionable event that there really wasn't much else to do except spill the beans about some of the quirky people we've worked for.

Finally she admitted she didn't know the Duvall's at all, that she'd found the recipe on the internet. (Which would explain her beat up old catering van outside, I guess.)  But it didn't matter. I adored her and loved the crab cakes.

If you like crab cakes too, here's a link to Mrs. Duvall's appearing on the Food Network. The secret is out!

Thanks for dropping in this evening, and happy dining.

Andrew

Proper Table Conversation!

After the last two posts in January about formal table settings, our friend Ben Reierson down in Australia asked a timely and appropriate question: "What kind of conversation would be good or at least safe to talk about at a billionaire's table?"

There's a whole lot to say about this, Ben, but I'll try to be concise. After all, trying to converse at the same time you're trying to eat is a tricky affair. There's few things more frustrating than when someone asks you a question at the exact moment when you've just put a fork load of food in your mouth, right? There's an art to how all this is done, and here's a few tips:

To whom are you responsible for conversation? 
If it's a small party of five or six people, you'll probably be expected to interact with everyone at the table. But if it's a larger party, say fifteen-to-twenty people, then you're only responsible to speak with the person on your right, on your left, and the person directly across the table from you. In fact, it would be rude to try to carry on a conversation with someone at the other end of the table.

Unwelcome Topics: 
Above all we don't talk about ourselves or try to dominate the conversation. In addition, politics, religion, world order, health issues, death, and bereavement are not welcome. These topics are best left to the bar area before the meal or the drawing room after - if even then. But at the dinner table we're trying to ingest and digest without agitation, right?

Light Conversation: 
The natural topic at a formal table is about the food being served. There's usually chatter and comments on the flavor and ingredients of each course that's brought out - which leads to other conversations like a new chef in town, the best caterers to deal with, a new restaurant that's just opened up, or mentions of a similar dish someone had in Europe or Asia - which opens the conversation to travel, international cuisines, and fine hotels.

Volley Ball:
Try to think of table conversation as a volley ball game - except with a balloon. You must be careful, observant, and then gently toss out a topic or question - but not to someone who's mouth is full of food. The time-honored rule of not talking with your mouth full can create some awkward moments in getting an answer to an ill-timed question.

Observations: 
At large dinner parties around here there's usually a general hum of several different conversations going on at the same time among those sitting next to each other. Occasionally there might be an outburst of laughter which draws everybody's attention - and the reason for that laugh is expected to be repeated so that everyone at the table can join in the laughter as well. (Celebrities seem to be especially fond of this tactic, to gain attention.) In between courses the host or hostess might take the opportunity to make an announcement or redirect the topics altogether, like a new winery they've just visited - which might change the topic to fine wines when everyone goes back into their private huddles.

In Victorian times when a dinner lasted for five or six hours, there might have been more thoughtful and intellectual topics thrown out during the meal, which were tossed around, discussed, and developed at length during a sixteen or twenty-one course meal. But nowadays table conversation is expected to be light, crisp, and not requiring deep thought or consideration.

In America we're especially fond of getting laughs for our trivial table chatter, and there's nothing wrong with that. The same might not be so in more conservative societies. But we are as we are here in the States - with no plausible apologies I can think of.

I hope this has shed some light. Thanks for dropping in, and thanks again Ben for suggesting the topic.

Andrew

Proper Table Setting for the Rich!

All said and done we're just so very fortunate in the modern world that formal dining has been reduced and streamlined into the most basic five-or-six course meal, with only eight-or-ten pieces of silverware required to get through a stuffy sit-down dinner.

In Victoria times there might have been twenty-to-thirty eating utensils at each and every place setting, all laid out for a sixteen or twenty-one course meal! Even the Titanic offered a ten-course menu in the first class section.

If you're a hostess or caterer you simply must take a peek at the following link - although personally it gives me a migraine to see all those utensils at just one place setting! Try to imagine if there were twenty or thirty guests coming for dinner! Here's the horrifying picture!

But again, modern formal tables are much more manageable for hostesses and caterers alike, not to mention the poor guests trapped at the dining table. After all, the Victorians had no television or computers, and certainly no iPhone's or digital streaming. So what better to way to spend an idle evening with rich friends than sitting down to full-course dinner for five or six hours? This was the era of chamber music, of course, so no doubt they had a pianist or string quartet on hand to disrupt the monotony. (I might also mention this was the era when gout was rampant among the rich and upper classes!)

Anyhow, this post is not so much about proper table setting or manners (which you can get from Emily Post) but more about what to do if you suddenly find yourself plunked down at a formal dining table. Maybe you're engaged to someone rich and your fiance's family invites you to dinner? Or perhaps you've been promoted and your boss invites you to a fine restaurant to celebrate? The first rule, even though confronted with ten pieces of silverware, is don't freak out!

You don't really need to know ANYTHING about formal dining to get through this meal, I promise. The table is set according to the menu, with each piece of silverware laid out in the order of what's being served, starting from the outside in.

For example, in America (unlike in Europe) salad is often the first course served. So the waiter brings out the salad on a small plate, sets it down on the large charger plate in front of you, and you pick up the small salad fork on your outside left - simple enough, right? When finished, he takes both the salad plate and fork away, leaving the charger in place for the next course.

Now, while forks always go on the left side of the plate, the exception is a small shrimp fork which goes on the right, next to the soup spoon. So if you see a tiny little three-prong fork on the extreme right of your plate, that means the waiter will bring out a shrimp cocktail next. He sets it down on the charger plate, and you pick up the little fork. When you're finished with that, he takes the cocktail dish and fork away, which leaves you with a big soup spoon on the right - meaning he'll bring soup out next. Getting the picture?

After the soup you'll probably be left with a fish knife on the outside right and a fish fork on the outside left. Then after the fish course you'll only have a dinner knife on the right and a dinner fork on the left, for the main course. And finally the only utensil left on the table is a dessert fork or spoon, probably laid horizontally above the charger plate.

So whatever you do, don't freak out or feel intimidated. If there's other utensils on the table I haven't mentioned, you can always pause (as you should anyway) to wait for your host to begin and see what piece of silverware he/she picks up first, then follow the lead.

A few pointers:

1) Once a piece of silverware is picked up, you never lay it back down on the table cloth. For example, when you're finished with the salad you leave the fork on the salad plate and the waiter will whisk it away.

2) The butter knife won't be on the right side of your plate along with the other knives, but laid on the small bread plate, set on the upper left of the charger plate.

3) If there's unfamiliar and bizarre utensils required, like a lobster cracker or escargot tongs, they'll most likely not be laid out on the table, but brought out when the lobster or snails are served. If you don't know how to use these, again just follow the lead of your host. (And if the first snail you pick up flies across the room because you squeezed the tongs too hard, don't even worry about it! You might get a good laugh - but everyone, including the rich, had to learn this at one point or another, and will love you for the effort.)

4) Right above the dinner knife on your right you'll probably find three different stemware; a white-wine goblet for the fish course, a red-wine goblet for the main course, and a water goblet. In extremely formal affairs there might even be a fourth glass - a champagne flute. But again not to worry; the waiter will bring out the appropriate wine with each course, indicating which glass you use first. (All you really have to worry about is knocking all the rest of them over when you pick one up.)

5) If you're nervous or sloppy and drop food on the charger plate, you'll probably get a frown from the waiter. But he'll politely whisk it away, replace it with a clean one, and no one will even notice during all the chatter and gossip.

6) As your mother taught you, no elbows on the table, ever. (Unless perhaps you're in a sports bar with a plate full of chicken wings and French fries in front of you.)

This has turned out to be way too long, but there's really no reason to be intimidated by a formal table. Just keep an eye on your host, go with the flow and above all, try to pretend you're enjoying it. Personally I'm satisfied with the blue plate special down at the diner - with a fork, spoon, and knife all rolled up together in a paper napkin.

Thanks for stopping by, and please forgive the ramble.
Andrew

PS: The post right before this one has a more detailed explanation of how formal tables are laid out, if you think it would be helpful. Just don't let the diagrams frighten you.

Well, crap! I forgot to publish this!

Considering I have this day job around here, it takes about a week or ten days to research, write and edit a new post. And then what? I forget to hit the PUBLISH button? For real? I just found this in my drafts folder and I'm furious with myself for not sending it out sooner!

It concerns proper table settings, meant to be posted right before the holidays in case your parents or in-laws were coming and you might have needed a little help in knowing exactly where to put what on the dining room table.

It was inspired by my sister's recent visit to England. She stopped by Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire and sent a photo of a wedding party setup in the main dining room. To pay the taxes on such an enormous estate the Palace apparently hires itself out for weddings, anniversaries, and other questionable occasions like that.

Anyhow, at first glance the picture was dazzling. Enough tables to seat fifty or sixty guests with fine china, crystal wine goblets, and sterling silverware up and down the line. But on closer examination when you enlarge the photo, the tables were so hastily set that I almost croaked.

I understand that busy caterers threw it all together and that it was just a wedding party after all, not a state dinner with Regina and Prince Phillip showing up. But the silverware was all crooked, not parallel, and not properly measured from the edge of the table. While there were two wine glasses at each setting for the red and white wines, the third goblet for water was missing. And not to get down in the mud, but the napkins were simply rolled up beside the plate, instead of all the fancy options out there.

I could understand this more easily if the wedding was in Buttzville, New Jersey in the United States. But in England, the very source and mother-load of propriety and manners? Maybe the British are a little less uptight than the upstart new-rich here in America. Who knows?
  
In any case here's a link to some really beautiful table settings, from casual to formal. And here's a link to the diagrams you might need.

Don't freak out! They all make sense according to what menu you're serving for the evening. If soup is not the first course then you wouldn't put out a bowl or soup spoon, right? Tables are set according to the menu.

Once you have a basic informal layout in mind, then you can always expand it - all the way up to a more formal table, complete with a white tablecloth and white linen napkins.

It's actually all pretty simple: knives and spoons on the right of the plate, forks on the left, and the drinking goblets go directly above the dinner knife. One important rule is that the blade of the knife is always turned toward the plate, not toward the spoons. (You don't want your guests cutting their fingers when they pick up the tea or soup spoon, right?)

Now don't be alarmed, but if you're serving an eight-or-ten course dinner then there's going to be a lot more eating utensils on the right and left of the plate than just the basic five. But that's a whole different topic, coming up next.

Again, I hope you'll forgive my lameness for not sending this out before the holidays. But there's always some kind of idiotic special occasion or formal affair to deal with all throughout the year, isn't there? So this might come in handy anyway from time to time.

Happy dining!

Andrew

Board Games for the Rich!

Our friend Ben Reierson in Melbourne, Australia asked what kind of board games rich people play?

He went on to suggest that when the super rich play Monopoly perhaps they should start with the railroads and hotels they already own in real life, and add a few zero's to the money values to bring the game up to date!

After that hearty laugh, I don't even know where to start. Do roulette tables in Monte Carlo and poker variants aboard a luxury yacht count as board games, Ben? I know for sure my employers participate in those particular activities.

In this house, at the far end of the library, there's an antique wooden card table, with a leather top of course and two comfortable wing-back chairs. Sitting there on the table is a deck of gold-edged Louis Vuitton playing cards, which as far as I can tell have never been touched or shuffled. But there's also an antique mahogany chess board with carved ivory chessmen, exquisitely intricate in detail at God knows what price.

Ever since I've worked here there seems to be an on-going game at this table between my employer and one of his old cronies. These two old buzzards will take their gin and tonics to the table and sit there for awhile, sometimes actually making a move on the board, sometimes just picking up one of the chessmen as though to examine the artwork, then sitting it back down in the same place. Except to touch it up with a feather duster now and then, we in the house staff are extremely careful not to ever disturb the board or the chessmen's positions.

Unfortunately to say, considering the topic, that's about it as far as parlor games around here. However, while you might not often see the rich clustered around a board game, that certainly doesn't mean they don't own them as investments. Take a look at this awesome webpage. You can find a cheap Trivial Pursuit for about $6,000; a Backgammon for $1.5 million, a Monopoly game for $2 million, and a chess set encrusted with gold, diamonds, rubies and pearls for a whopping $10 million dollars!

It seems to me that all the fun and challenging new games that Ben's talking about requires a kind of intimacy among friends that allows for mistakes, laughter, disappointment, loss and failure all in one game, and it's not within my experience to see the stuffy old-guard rich open up like this. A slow never-ending chess games is about the best they can come up with, at least around here.

Anyhow, sorry for the disappointing answer, Ben. It's entirely possible that the younger rich might actually be able to sit down and concentrate on a board game. But somewhere in the back of my mind I kinda doubt it. They're all so busy running around the world in their jets and helicopters, from one high society event to another, where is there time for such idle-time fillers? "You wanna go to Rome and grab a pizza?"

Going out on a limb here, I'm inclined to think that board games are designed for us non-rich poor folk who can't afford to jump on our jets and run around the world in a moment's notice. And I'm aware of how horrible and crappy that must sound. Anyone with more upbeat or enlightened information can hit me right back in the comments below. But these are my observations, from my perch among the old guard.

As always, thanks for stopping by tonight,

Andrew

Dealing With House Guests: Valet Services

In this four-part series dealing with the horrors of having house guests, the question of valet services has come up - that is, whether or not we have to unpack and repack their luggage?

Right up front I'll just say that we certainly don't go out of our way to offer this service. I mean, this is not a luxury hotel or royal palace, right? Unpacking a guest's wardrobe is a dangerous Pandora's Box that invites requests for laundry, pressing, stain removal, shoe polishing, sewing on a missing button, we've even been asked if we can lift a hem.

If someone indeed needs our help, then that's another story and we jump right in. There's a wonderful old Grand Dame who comes here two or three times a year and, bless her heart, her arthritic shoulders don't allow her to reach up to the hangers in the closet. I'm always delighted to help her out, and in exchange she regales me with stories about her glory days at the Metropolitan Opera.

Valet knowledge is a tediously taught subject in any good butler school, and if you're in private service you might very well be called upon to utilize theses skills from time to time. The truth is, although boring as all get out, it's not really all that hard once you have the knack.

For unpacking you simply hang everything up on garment-appropriate hangers and save all the guest's tissue paper for repacking (which we pray will be soon). Unmentionables and socks go into the empty bureau drawers, set aside especially for guests. The bag of toiletries and medications is placed on the bathroom vanity, without opening or touching anything inside.

Now as for repacking, do you know how to fold men's and women's garments, stuff them into a suitcase, and get them to their destination wrinkle free? It's not entirely simple but there's specific folds for each and every garment and procedures to pack the suitcase just right so that things don't shift around during transportation. There's some great folding diagrams in Cheryl Mendelson's amazing and invaluable book Home Comforts.

As already mentioned there's lots of tissue paper involved to put between the folds which minimizes the wrinkles - not unlike a new garment you buy at a department store. You also need to know how to stuff the tissue into the arms and shoulders of a man's suit before shoving it into a suitcase.

Not just any tissue like for gift wrapping, but acid-free archival tissue which can cost you a pretty penny. But if you're folding a $30,000 haute-couture cocktail dress, you bet you're going to use acid-free tissue. You can buy it online or if there's a Container Store near you anywhere, they always have a ready supply.

You'll put shoes and heavy stuff on the bottom of the suitcase of course, then lay in the folded slacks, shirts, dresses and blouses in the space above that. Socks and unmentionables are tightly stuffed in around all the edges to keep the carefully-folded garments from shifting. And that's it. Simple enough, right?

It just so happens (to my insanely good luck) that the Mister likes to pack his own suitcases himself without our help. He just throws stuff in without any tissue folds, and I pity the receiving end at the hotel where he's headed. Lots of pressing no doubt, but it saves me a lot of tedious labor and headaches on this end.

Thanks for stopping by tonight,
Andrew

PS: I should mention that while we don't readily offer valet services around here, Ester the upstairs maid has reported some handsome tips when guests occasionally ask for her help.

Dealing With House Guests: Dietary Needs

Like a plague of locusts, house guests arrive suddenly. They eat you out of house and home, destroy everything in their path, and on top of that they're damned hard to get rid of, right? And it's no different around here with my rich employers.

Thankfully every detail concerning guest care was well covered at the butler academy in a four-part course. So here goes with the first of a four-part series on how to deal with this vexing problem.

The first topic: "How do you fulfill your guests' dietary needs, restrictions, or favorites?"

First of all we have a Guest Registry Log that details a previous guest's needs or requests. This might include such things as Splenda instead of sugar, a gluten-free diet, tea rather than coffee, a soft boiled egg instead of scrambled or fried and on and on until your eyes glaze over. Since I intensely dislike our chef, I'm always delighted to pass along these annoying little notes just to get him all stirred up and crazy.

If it's a first-time notable guest headed our way, there's no problem at all in calling their office, their personal secretary, or their house manager to find out any personal needs or requirements. Sometimes there's a form letter these people email right back, itemizing any special idiosyncrasies. Some go so far as to specify what magazines are appreciated - which I don't appreciate one bit. The most I'm willing to do is put gender-specific magazines in a guest's room. But to run all over town to find a certain title? Forget it.

If the guest is way up there on the fancy-pants list, like European royalty or some significant politician from Washington, you can bet that some bitch someone from their staff will alert this house before their arrival as to any specific needs and other nonsense we have to deal with. Not the least being protocol - how to address them, how to bow, curtsey or shake hands, and where to put them in a reception line or at a dining room table. We're not idiots around here, you know? We can handle all this silliness without their Office of Protocol waking me up early in the morning.

And finally, if we have no notice or information regarding the plague that's about to hit, there's no problem at all in simply asking the new guest "Is there anything we can get you while you're here?" 

Which we may or may not do, depending entirely upon their uppity stature or the threat we face if we don't. I'll admit that on rare occasions it's actually fun having house guests, contingent upon their pleasant nature or entertainment value. But generally speaking it's just drudgery and extra work.

Thanks for dropping in this evening,
Andrew


PS: This post is dedicated to Liz, Stacy, Butler Fan, Jeff, Molly and Jason, who all asked this very same question about seeing after a guest's dietary needs.

Do Rich People Order Pizza?

This inquiry comes to us from Stacy who asked if rich people order pizza and Chinese food like all the rest of us. Her question is not so much about appetite and nutrition but framed within the context of security. Which is to say who is and who is not allowed onto the property? Anyone, everyone, even Pizza delivery guys?

While the rich might have their own chefs and kitchen staff, maybe even a brick pizza oven to boot, it's still fun to order Chinese or a couple of pizzas on a whim, right? As mentioned before, I can't answer for all the rich, especially with their varying levels of threats and security needs. But I do have some info and observations on the subject:

- If extreme wealth, royalty, leadership positions or merely fame has put you at high risk requiring 24/7 security (possibly even bodyguards) then your pizza will be dropped off at the guard station by the main gate, or with security personnel at the front door. No problem.

- If you live in a luxury high rise your pizza will be delivered to the Concierge desk and sent upstairs by a Messenger or Bellman. No problem there, either.

- If you're staying in a five-star hotel with a world class restaurant, you still might fancy a pizza in the privacy of your own room. So you call the Concierge to order it for you. Adding a handsome tip for the driver, she pays for it with cash from the Front Desk, which is simply added to your room bill. She gives the cash to the Doorman who pays the driver and then brings the stupid pizza inside to the Concierge - and it's sent upstairs by a Bellman. In a hotel of this stature it's not uncommon for the rich to tip the Bellman $50 or $100 bucks to cover not only his aggravation and extreme labor, but also that of the Doorman and Concierge as well.

- For the ordinary private rich however, things are more simple and we can order takeout with little fuss or fanfare. Mercifully this is not a paranoid household where I work, with no need for high security. But here's the sequence of events around here if our employer suddenly decides he wants a pizza for himself or his guests:

- He'll annoy me or someone on the evening shift to order it.
- We call it in to the pizza shop and give them the community gate code. Payment is made with the household credit card at the time of ordering, with a generous tip already added.
- When the delivery guy* gets to the second gate, there's a call button on the keypad which we can answer inside and open the gate by remote control.

So to fully answer your question Stacy, yes we do order pizza and Chinese. While all the delivery guys, contractors and vendors may have their iPhone cameras as you worried and knowledge of the layout, they can't miss the security cameras aimed directly at the driveway or the guard dogs running and yelping alongside their cars. And how could they know about the loaded guns inside the house, or mine for that matter?

Thanks for dropping in,
Andrew

* Our pizza delivery guy is a 170 pound female with a butch haircut, a chain belt and a big set of keys dangling from her hip. She's adorable and always full of gossip about what's going on in the neighborhood - who's having a party, who had to call EMS last week, who's car was seen sitting overnight at who's house? Sometimes I want to order a pizza myself just to catch up.
    

The Ideal Guest Room!

Most of us don't have enough space for ourselves or enough rooms for our kids, much less the ability to dedicate a separate room entirely for a guest. Myself, a pull-out sofa or a blow-up mattress is about the best I can offer.

But in the world of the rich guest rooms are a top priority and well covered in the butler academy. In this house where I work, in addition to the family bedrooms, there are three rooms set aside specifically for guests.

As you might expect our uppity guests need their privacy, comfort, and access to the outside world. Each one of these rooms has its own bathroom - the premiere with a huge tub on a marble platform, the others with smaller marble-encased tubs and showers. Each room has a sitting area complete with a coffee table and end tables, and most importantly a desk. There's a telephone and cable TV in each room of course, along with a stable internet connection.

Basically these rooms are set up like a hotel. There's a luggage bench and the closets are empty, with plenty of wooden hangers inside. The bureau drawers are empty as well, and the bathrooms have essential luxury toiletries in case the guest's luggage doesn't make it on the same plane.

As the butler academy taught us here's what we do if a guest is expected:

- Open the balcony doors or windows and air out the room.
- Replace hanging towels with fresh ones, in case dust or odors have collected.
- Double check that bed sheets are fresh and smoothed out.
- Make sure the soap dishes have fresh bars of designer soap.
- Put current, gender-specific magazines on the coffee table. Or neutral magazines like The New Yorker and  Robb Report if we don't know who's coming.
- Make sure the TV Guide is current and remote batteries are okay.
- Check all light bulbs in the room, especially reading lamps.
- Set a vase of fresh flowers on the coffee table.
- Turn down the bed.
- Finally, vacuum our way out of the room so as not to leave footprints in the carpet.

I feel quite sure you do the very same things if your mother-in-law or other relatives are coming for the weekend, right?  But around here, this is the normal and expected sequence of events when guests are coming - which is all too frequent if you want my opinion.

Mercifully we have a full staff to handle all this, including a florist who drops off the vase of fresh flowers. And the kitchen staff is geared up for breakfast, snacks, and extra meals if the guests hang around and don't go out. Being professionals in our jobs, there's really nothing much to it, all said and done.

The only burning question in our minds upon the arrival of every guest is "How frigging long are you going to be here?"

But the problem is that rich people themselves, not having any significant schedules to keep up with, often don't know how long they're going to plunk down in any given spot. So our tricky balancing act is not to be too accommodating or make them feel too comfortable - or else they'll be here for a solid month. 

Thanks for stopping by this evening,

Andrew

Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit! Happy New Year 2014!

I'm desperately trying to be the very first one tonight to say Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit on this first day of the New Year - which means, of course, good luck for the entire new year to come!

I have a feeling that other Rabbitteers are trying to do the same thing right now and may very well crash the web!

In any case, I just wanted to say Happy New Year this early morning hour, with all best wishes for whatever is ahead of us in the coming new year!

If you have a moment today, I hope you can listen to a rendition of Auld Lang Syne by a band in Hong Kong, complete with bagpipes of all things. It's so amazing and fun, and just goes to show how bound up we are as nations and cultures.

Here's a link to the PLA band, accompanied by the Hong Kong Police band, on YouTube.

Happy New Year - and Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit!

Andrew

Christmas Cards for the Rich!

Have you started your holiday greeting cards yet? I know it's only mid November, but with so much to do for the holidays it's best to get started on the greeting cards right away.

In the world of the rich greeting cards are not optional. In fact they're mandatory, and Hallmark cards aren't going to cut it. (Sorry Hallmark, no offense intended whatsoever.)

In early September I ordered the necessary number of personalized greeting cards my rich employer requires, and in October delivered them to our calligrapher for addressing the envelopes. In fact, she'll have them ready by the end of this week - plenty of time for my dotty old employer to add his signature or personal hand-written words, as he so desires.

I know there are beautiful cards out there in every elegant department store and boutique, with designs by the best of artists. But around here we always resort to Crane and Company - makers of fine stationary for the rich, and the very paper our United States dollars are printed on.

From this company you can get a nice box of 100 personalized greeting cards (including your own inside message and choice of fonts and colors) for easily under $500 dollars. In fact, the more cards you order, the lower the price per card. They also have pre-made cards that drops the price considerably, almost down to Hallmark prices. But at least you'll still have the Crane & Company insignia.

The thing is, social correspondence for the rich is a deadly serious business. If you have time for further reading on the subject, several months back I wrote four different posts about the importance of hand-written communications in the world of the rich.

RSVP, Invitations, and Regrets;
Thank You Notes;
Stationery for the Rich;
Calligraphy for the Rich.

I hope this hasn't been too long or overbearing, but if you wait 'til the last minute to do your greeting cards then the whole attempt might become more of a chore rather than the pleasure it should be in reaching out to say "Hello" to our friends and loved ones at this special time of year.

Thanks for dropping in this evening,

Andrew

Shut Down the Holidays!

Okay, so Halloween is behind us and the tidal wave is just ahead - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's in rapid order.

Even though it's still two months out we're beginning to hear Christmas jingles on the TV, right? And all the stores and shops are starting to gear up. The Hallmark channel has already knocked The Golden Girls off the air and started their sappy reruns of lugubrious holiday movies.

In my naiveté, the thought occurs to me that since our current dysfunctional Congressmen are so prone to shutting things down (like the United States government for example), perhaps they could do something truly beneficial for the American people just for once and shut down the holidays.

Not forever, mind you. Just this one year and give us a break. I'm sure we could all use a rest from the annual onslaught of commercial fawning that denigrates the holidays in the first place - not to mention leaving us exhausted and throwing us all into debt.

As popular as this idea might be in the polls, if history is any indication Congress would probably just kick the holidays down the road a few months - shoving Thanksgiving and Christmas right up against Easter and Spring Break. And what good would that do anyone?

The reason this comes up, with the divorce and the new girlfriend on the scene I have no idea what to expect these coming holidays, no clue whatsoever as to how to proceed or prepare, and I'm dreading it no end. With the former wife there would have been endless parties and galas, well planned in advance. But this year, who knows?

Thanks for stopping by tonight. I do hope your holiday plans and preparations are a little less frustrating than mine. But it sure would be sweet to just skip it all for one year.

Andrew