Friday, July 14, 2017

A New Woman!

Good lord, just after the last post detailing how we're settling in with two women on rotating weekends, suddenly out of the blue a new woman shows up! Which has thrown us into absolute and utter confusion around here.

Is she just a temporary bauble while the other two are 'busy' for some reason, or do we have to fit her into the rotation?

I have to tell you she's not like the rest of them. Blond, yes but with short bobbed hair, not falling to her shoulders. Tall? No. And as for age, she's nowhere near 30 - much less 50 or 60 like the others my 76 year old employer generally hangs out with.

Which makes me wonder somehow if she might be a professional just coming over to fill in a gap between Splenda and SweetNLow.

And get this: instead of a sweetener for her morning coffee, she asked "Do you have any Cremora?"

What on earth is that? I called our concierge delivery service and asked them to pick some up right away and get it over here ASAP!

As for Ester, our Upstairs Maid, she's simply appalled! She's had it with washing and ironing sheets in rapid order and demands that I buy more.

Which I'm ordering online this very evening from Pratesi in Italy, their top-of-the line $5,000 for ONE set of sheets, just to get back at the old man! (Should I buy two or three sets since this whole business seems to be spinning out of control?)

But here's the scary thing about Cremora: when I brought the morning paper to the breakfast table she gave me the once over.

To back up here and be a little more explicit - what she actually did was look into my eyes, then glance down to my crotch, and then slowly back up to my eyes.

Which, what does that even mean? This is not my first rodeo around here, you know?

But I'm thinking if Cremora stays around for awhile there just might be problems in the mansion!

Thanks for dropping in this evening. Hope this post didn't cross a line, but things can be so confounding and confusing around here at times,

Andrew

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Rotating Girlfriends!

Not to bore you, but I seriously need to grumble for a couple of moments. The weather's been miserable this summer, politics have run amok in DC, and my ancient old employer's Viagra-dependent libido is driving me crazy!

I've complained more than once about all the women floating in and out of here as if we had a revolving front door, like a hotel, with the expectation of twenty-four hour room service. Our job has been to play musical sheets and try to get the lingering perfume aromas out of the house and cars before the next floozy guest arrives. Which could easily throw us into a panic if they're back to back - one leaving in the afternoon and another arriving in the early evening.

But now all these tryouts, shall we call them, seem to have resolved into just two steady lady friends, on alternate rotating weekends.

In many ways this is easier for us to have the whole week to prepare and air out the house. I've learned to put sprigs of eucalyptus under the seats in all the luxury cars the old man keeps in his garages. It almost totally masks, or at least confuses, the delicate light aromas of lux perfumes. But the cheap stuff from Walmart practically requires a good bleaching down to get rid of.

Then on the other hand, as these women settle in, chef and I are supposed to remember their dietary preferences; their favorite fruits, cereals and yogurts for breakfast - especially their coffee sweeteners. In fact we've nick named these two women based on this.

Splenda, for example, is easy to remember for  her splendid manners and her middle-class propensity to help clean up after breakfast. She's always polite to staff, and has a quite pleasant smile - even if permanently attached to her charming face by a plastic surgeon.

But then there's Sweet 'N Low who seems far more cunning and insidious than Splenda. She's got her eyes on a rich husband and it's obvious to all of us. She exhibits a cool arrogance, like she's trying to become queen of the house and take control of staff.  

And get this: she's slowly bringing in her own clothes on wire hangers and transferring the garments to our monogrammed wooden hangers from Henri Hangers.

Ester the Upstairs Maid is scandalized by this encroachment! So am I, truth know, since I'm the one who installed Henri Hangers in the first place - meant for haute couture - not Nordstom or Sears. (I hope that didn't sound snobby?)

I might also mention that both Splenda and Sweet'NLow have brought in framed photos of themselves with the Mister and placed them around the house. But my employer is diligent, let's say religious, about switching out the photos in-between visits. And I'm not accepting the blame if his memory lapses.

Well okay, enough. Thanks for letting me rant for a moment. This job can be so stressful and nutty at times I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I do hope you're summer is going along a little more smoothly.

Andrew