Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Cosmetic Surgery in the World of the Rich!

"I see a lot of new faces out there tonight - especially on the old faces." - Johnny Carson.

Of course, that brought a big laugh from his TV audience. But Carson was tapping into a source of humor that all rich people understand - their endless quest for youth and beauty. Which comes up now because this is the time of year when rich people return from their mysterious winter trips abroad, ready to show off their new faces and bodies for the Spring Social Season.

I can't wait to see the results and wonder if I'll recognize anybody. There comes a point when the face has been stretched so many times that original features start to disappear. What's left is just this smooth mask-like visage - which is one of the reasons I've often said that rich people all look alike to me. The other being their flawless makeup, currently-popular coifs, and of course the endless parade of haute couture and flashy jewels. Seriously, it all becomes a blur.

A few years back I remember telling you about one lady whose face had been stretched so many times that she had a permanent smile - which is why no one ever invited her to a wake or funeral. Last year she had her back stretched and showed up at a cocktail event in a backless dress. Which was  (how to say it politely?) a source of murmur and comment. I'm wondering what the poor thing will look like this year.

A couple of years ago my employer and his then-current girlfriend had their eyes lifted during a winter disappearance. When they got home, with the lingering black eyes and bruising for days on end, they looked like two raccoons sitting there at the breakfast table and didn't dare go out for the evening.

But this year it seems my employer opted for Botox rather than going under the knife. The upstairs maid found a bill for one treatment, photographed it and texted it to me. Indeed, there's noticeably less laugh lines around his mouth. And since the crabby old buzzard gentleman doesn't laugh or smile very often, I'm thinking this treatment will last a lot longer than the usual five-or-six months.

While it's all a source of humor for most of us, there are huge risks involved with these procedures, and there's endless tales of botched cosmetic surgeries that didn't go so well - leaving people with unexpected blemishes and scars.

I once worked in a five-star hotel where a famous and elegant high-society socialite often showed up, always wearing dark veils. She was the heiress to an oil-fortune magnate, and history records that she was somehow "mysteriously disfigured". But rumor was rampant at the time that while undergoing plastic surgery, an oxygen tank had exploded in the operating room.

I'm not sure why I'm reporting all this. The temptation to undergo youth-restoration procedures is entirely understandable. Why not? But it's urgent to seek out the best practitioners available - no time to cut costs here. By all means, check out their references, their successes, and their failures. I mean, how do you go to sleep with a permanent smile stretched on your face?

There is something to be said, after all, for growing old gracefully. Age is a gift, is it not? So many, many people for so many, many reasons don't get to experience this normal progression of life. But rather than going under the knife, the old standbys of exfoliating, regular facials, Oil of Olay moisturizing products and Porcelana Fading Cream can go a long way in upping one's self esteem in the inevitable and god-given process of aging.

As always, thanks for stopping by this evening. I hope this report hasn't been too alarming!

Andrew
 

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Lent vs. Valentine's!

What a nutty year this has been! Climate change, politics run amok, and now Lent and Valentine's coming up back to back. How weird is that?

Today is Mardi Gras (aka Fat Tuesday) and Lent begins precisely at midnight tonight. Have you ever been to New Orleans on this day? They're deadly serious about this stuff. All the music stops at 12:00pm, all the bars close. The police march down the streets to throw all the revelers out, and water trucks come right behind to spray down the streets and anyone refusing to leave! It's like a totally deranging moment; one minute you're having fun, and the next you're thrown out into the cold dark night.

Honestly I'm so not into Lent this year. We're supposed to give up something for the next forty days until Easter to cleanse our souls, right? If chocolates or champagne were on your list, good luck with that with Valentine's coming tomorrow. Which is why it's so weird these two holidays are back to back this year - fasting versus indulgence!  👀

At this late hour I haven't decided yet what to give up. Was thinking perhaps I could give up giving up things for Lent. But that might be a ticket straight to hell. (Although that convoluted thought might work if Kellyanne Conway or Sarah Huckabee Sanders were taking charge of the gates on Saint Peter's day off.)

As for Valentine's, as usual I'm the one who has to buy flowers and a card for my employer's current girlfriend. I'm sure he expected me to buy two dozen roses from the wholesale florist and arrange them myself. But that didn't happen this year. Instead, he gets a bill from the local floral designer for $120. (Seriously, I just didn't feel up to it.)

As for the card, it's not supposed to be too sappy or committal, you understand - avoiding words like "I love you" at all cost. So I settled for one of those expensive Hallmark cards ($8 bucks) that said something neutral like "Hope this day is everything you hoped it would be."

On the other hand, my spy confidant at the corporate office told me she'd received a bill from Fendi for a 24-carat gold python bag for $36,000. So I guess that's not too shabby to go along with my flowers and card, right?

Wishing everyone a happy Valentine's Day this year! And if you're Catholic, I hope you get through the next forty days without too much stress!

Andrew

Thursday, January 11, 2018

The Holidays Are Over! Now What?

"I celebrate everyone's religious holidays! If it's good enough for the righteous, it's good enough for the self-righteous, I always say" - Bette Midler

I don't know about you but I'm totally exhausted from the nonstop craziness that just slammed us from October til January - like a tidal wave from Halloween until New Year's day. And honestly I've still not quite recovered from the excesses of New Year's Eve.

But the craziness doesn't let up around here for one second. As a sturdy Catholic family we started taking down all the outdoor and indoor decorations on the eve of Epiphany (January 6) which finally ends the twelve days of Christmas. But right off the bat there were problems.

Dario our groundskeeper was trying to get the 14-foot Christmas tree back up to the attic when the elevator broke down between floors. I was able to pop the door open so he could jump out, but the repair guys can't get here til next week. So all the housekeepers, our employer and his lady friends in their stilettos are going to have to climb stairs for awhile.

Then the swimming pool dropped half a foot that day, which doesn't look too bad in most pools. But this particular pool has an infinity edge. So apparently infinity has to wait until the pool guys can get here next week. And to top off the day, my employer's jackass son came over with his dog, resulting in a bloody fight with our dogs. So off I went to the emergency vet.

But what's next after all these nutty holidays? Many of us suffer from post-holiday depression, or deep winter blues. And the rich are not immune to this. Of course, they can escape on their yachts or jets for sunnier warm climates for a few weeks or a couple of months. Some of them go off to ski in magical places like Aspen or Zermatt. And many of them choose this time to vanish to Switzerland for a few nips and tucks on their faces and butts before the spring social season starts to wind up.

Other than that, there's a few big football games on the horizon - which requires nothing more than a caterer for the day. Then there's Mardi Gras on February 13 and Valentine's on February 14 coming up back to back. How weird is that?

Mardi Gras, again, can be dispensed with by hiring caterers and maybe a band for the evening. But Valentine's for the rich might require a little more than flowers and chocolates. Like poking around in Tiffany's, Harry Winston, and Cartier for the perfect diamond necklace or bracelet - to stave off divorce for a little while longer.

But football games, Mardi Gras and Valentine's don't provoke anywhere near the stress of Christmas and New Years, right? The next really big thing coming up around here will be when the spring social season starts to wind up - debutante balls, dinner parties and charity events galore. And I can't wait.

As for me, I'll be watching Super Bowl at a buddy's house with his rowdy friends - with plenty of chips, dips and hot dogs on hand, not to mention ice tubs full of the world's cheapest beers. But at least we have fun when we're all together.

Thank's so much for stopping by this evening. I hope our deep winter blues are short lived. After all, every passing day brings us closer to spring.

Andrew