Tracking Airplanes! I Have Some Stunning News!

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You may recall I've mentioned several times how secretive my employers are about their comings and goings. 

And I've mentioned how vital it is for us to know what they're up to. 

I also recall telling you that when they go out of town, no one (not here at the Residence nor anyone at the Foundation) knows when they're coming back.  Which is positively maddening!

Well, something rather dramatic has happened!

To keep from getting overheated (and from getting you confused), I'm just going to list the sequence of events as calmly as I can.  Ha!

- The Pilot (due to some hanky-panky that I've not gotten to the bottom of), recently got fired.

- The new Pilot has been on board just one week, and apparently hasn't been briefed on secrecy and  keeping things quiet.

- Yesterday, my "informant" at the Foundation told me the Mister and Missus are taking nine guests to the Caymans this week.

- Today, she (my spy) called and told me she had asked the Pilot when they would be coming back.
 
- He said, "That hasn't been decided yet."  (Of course not.)

- But then he went on to say -- "Just go to the Flight-Aware website and type in the tail number.  You can see where we are anywhere in the world, at any time."

What?

Oh, my dear God!  Unbelievable news! 

Everyone at the Foundation is flat giddy with this information, and I'm positively beside myself!  No more of them sneaking back into town and catching us all unaware! (Out come the nail files!) 

No more having to poke around and pry for information!  Why on earth did none of us figure this out before?
                                                                          
Just hit the link below and see the website.  In the left column there's a box under the heading "Private Flight Tracker" where you type in the tail number.  And an awesome button that says "Track Flight"!  It lets you know (complete with maps) when the flight departs, all the stops along the way, and the arrival time!

Just take a look:  FlightAware.com 

This is a major breakthrough in the little scheme of things around here, and I'm definitely celebrating tonight!   Awesome!


Thanks for reading, and good night!

Andrew

Fun With Furs!

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This morning the Missus came downstairs carrying three of her six fur coats, all tangled up in a heavy bundle. 

(I've always admired the casual way she treats her furs, as rough and tumble as the minks and leopards themselves!) 

I knew, of course, she wanted them put into storage for the summer, so I took them from her and off I went!  Omg!  The jumble of furs piled next to me there on the car seat were two sables and a lynx.

The sables, of course, can easily be worth $150,000 each!  One of them is from Birger Christensen ("Purveyors to Her Majesty the Queen of Denmark"). 

And the spotted lynx (you should see how gorgeous!) is an easy $50,000! 

While boredom can be a big part of my job, on this particular errand, truth known, I was looking forward to the trivial and totally unnecessary scandal I was about to create.

And sure enough, when I walked into the exclusive women's salon and headed toward the fur department, heads turned and eyebrows lifted! 

You see, I was looking a little rough  this morning (don't ask)--a three-day stubble, tangled hair and ratty old Levis, and with the irreverent bundle of furs I was carrying, I knew very well I gave the appearance of some strung-out hoodlum trying to hock some goods from a house I'd just knocked off.  Ha!

No proper fur hangers, no "breathable" cloth bags!  Just $350,000 of exquisite furs, all plopped down there on the counter! 

(I'm almost afraid to tell you there was a drizzle this morning, and the coats were slightly damp!  But what?  You think a mink or a leopard, or a glamorous lady hailing a cab on Park Avenue never got caught out in the rain?)

So anyhow, the patrons in the store and the newer clerks looked  dismayed (as I had expected), but the manager, a wise old dear who knows that furs need not be pampered, was as pleasant as always.  I handed her my card and said, "We glazed them last year, so just cleaning and storage."

 The Missus doesn't believe in glazing too often.  Nor do I, for that matter.  (And by the way, I can use the ancient technique of cleaning furs with corncobs as good as anybody else.  But when given the option, it's always better to let a professional do it.)

And then, on my way out, I paused and  thoroughly examined a $6,000 lady's leather jacket, just to aggravate the clerk who had given me such a scowl when I first walked in. 

(I don't know why I'm like this--just a mean streak, I guess.  But unjustified arrogance always grates on the nerves.)

And having thoroughly annoyed the clerk, and my task complete, off I went-- just in time to catch McDonald's breakfast special (the Sausage Biscuit) -- $1.00.  Back to reality!  Ha!

Hope I haven't bored you with all this!

Good night,
Andrew

The Billionaire "Gossip Mill" is Up and Running!

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I mentioned in an earlier post that there's been a dearth of information around here since Eleanor, the Upstairs Maid, got fired. 

But this morning I came into work late (don't ask), and the minute I walked in the door Ester (the new Upstairs Maid) said, "I think the Mister and Missus are fighting!"

I felt my breath catch and a slight leap in the chest!  Yes! 

Our newest staff member has been on the job only seven working days now, and already beginning to report the affairs upstairs!  (And without any prompting on my part, I might add.)

She went on to say there were separate bedrooms last night, that the Pink Room had been used (which means the Missus was the one who left the Master Bedroom!)   In addition, she reported that breakfast was taken at separate times.

With a big sigh of relief, I immediately alerted everyone else, of course, to be on guard for the day.  Ha!   I myself will hide in the Butler's Closet.

I knew it wouldn't take too long for Ester to catch on.  It just goes with the territory. 

Our entire focus is upon taking care of the family, so their concerns become ours, as well. 

And tomorrow I'm going to teach Ester how to check the upstairs printer every day for paper jams.  But before you open it, of course, you have to move the Missus's daily "To-Do" list, lying on top!  Ha!

We're back in business!

Good night,
Andrew

Billionaire Butler FAQ: Do Rich People Pee Outside?

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Do rich people pee outside?  Ha! 

What a crazy question!  But I'll jump in and go along.

As best I can determine, the fun of peeing outside seemingly crosses both socio and economic boundaries!

When the Mister and Missus come home late at night, she dashes for the house -- but the Mister goes directly to his favorite tree!  lol! 

(I was outside one night with the Great Danes and accidentally interrupted him.  But he went about his business and mentioned "What an amazing moon we have tonight"-- never mind he was drunk, and no moon in sight!)

Miss Helen and I worked in a five-star hotel once where the General Manager would take his young son out to the balcony of his fifth-floor apartment and teach him how to pee into the bushes below! 

But as for the examples above, I honestly don't think this is a gender issue at all! 

In fact, I have some female-gendered friends in Colorado, the out-door's type, who can go behind a tree as good as any guy!

To my knowledge (as an experienced traveler on four continents), I think America is the only country on earth that forbids peeing outside, with fines and jail at stake!  Ha!

What's that all about? 

To those asking this hysterical question, I hope the answer has been fun!  And somewhat informative. 

I certainly had fun writing it!


Thanks for reading, and good night,

Andrew

Billionaire Butler FAQ: Are You Well Paid?

As a butler for a billionaire, I'm often asked if I'm well paid for the work I do.

At this particular time in human history, rich people (in most parts of the world) do not have slaves, and must pay dearly for someone to accommodate their unending and extravagant needs. 

In ancient Persia, Greece and Rome, I might be working just for food and shelter.  But in modern times, things are a little different.  

While food and shelter are still provided, now there must be a handsome cash salary as well.  (You can hit this link "Household Manager Salaries" to see the range.)

In my case, "shelter" is a nice apartment here on the estate (separate from the house), that also includes:

-Free electricity / utilities.
-Washer and Dryer.
-Free Cable (with all premium channels which I never have time to watch!)  Ha!
-Free Internet!
-Free corporate iPhone!
-Gasoline allowance.
-Bonuses, tips, and gifts.
-Left-over beluga caviar (Ha!)

So all in all, it's not a bad deal.  But you have to be willing to put up with endless, endless drama!

Rich people have the capability, the money and sometimes the media focus to create the most astonishing, never-ending, self-inflicted dramas that simply take your breath away!  Ha!

Good night,
Andrew
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UPDATE:  March 27, 2011

In answer to a flurry of emails from those interested in domestic service, yes, I completely forgot to mention that full health care and 401K plans are part of the package.  Most homes on this scale are set up like corporations with full corporate benefits, even Workman's Comp. 

And yes, there is holiday pay, sick days, and vacation pay included. However, whether or not you get to actually use your vacation time is very tricky.  Ha!

In a Billionaire's Home, A Week Without Gossip!

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In this billionaire's household, Eleanor (the Upstairs Maid) got fired this past Monday.

Since then there's been a dearth of gossip, and none of us in this house knows what's going on!  She had access to both the Mrs' office and closet, and was a constant wealth of information!

You may think we're just being nosy, or snooping.  But no such thing!  For us to get any work done (or any free time to run out for personal errands or meet friends for lunch),  it's vital  to know the family's movements.  Ha!

All the household staff and groundskeepers are connected by corporate-issued phones, and Eleanor would alert us as to the following:

-  Were there "separate sleeping arrangements" the night before. 
-  What's on the Mrs' to-do list for the day.
-  What's been added to the monthly calendar.
-  Any commercial airline tickets lying around?
-  Luggage has been taken out!
-  Travel clothes are being laid out!
-  She's in her pajamas and feathered robe  (coming down to breakfast).
-  She's in gym clothes  (leaving  for at least forty-five minutes).
-  Business Suit  (we're free for a good hour-and-a-half).
-  Luncheon Casual  (she'll be gone two-to-three hours).
-  Cocktail Attire  (gone for the late afternoon and early evening).
-  And last but hardly least -- any overheard telephone conversations!

Professional ethics in this line of work forbid gossip.  But come on.  There's a difference between gossip and critical information, although I'll admit the two do get occasionally intertwined.  

Example:  When the Mister and Mrs come down to breakfast, all work and noise, both indoors and out, must stop immediately!  But we don't know when they're coming down to breakfast until Eleanor calls and gives us the heads up!   See what I mean?

So without Eleanor, we're all in a complete vacuum! 

The Missus makes an attempt to keep me informed--at the beginning of each month we have a sit-down meeting (the only time I actually sit down in her presence, ha!) and she tells me about any important or big events coming up.

But Eleanor has always been the one to keep us informed on a daily (hourly) basis about what they're up to.  My spy at the Foundation calls me frequently for any daily updates, as well.  (They have their own personal errands and luncheons with friends to worry about , ha!)

So we're all really suffering this week!

Ester, the new Upstairs Maid, has certainly not developed  these exploratory skills as of yet.  But I'm sure, for her own self preservation, she'll start catching on and will become a valuable asset. 

But until then, I have to go upstairs myself and poke around.   

Thank you for reading, and for any sympathy you may feel right now!  


Good night,
Andrew

House Staff Difficulties: Eleanor's Demise!

I've mentioned in earlier posts about problems we're having with Eleanor, the Upstairs Maid.

As Butler/ House Manager for this  family, it's my difficult and unhappy task tomorrow to tell Eleanor her services here will no longer be needed. 

So, Monday morning at 9:30,  I told Eleanor she was being "let go", and that her replacement would be arriving at ten.  She didn't act surprised.  But there was a pause, a bowed head, then a deep breath, and her reply was simply, "I understand". 

She went to her locker, collected her things, then surprised me with a hug before leaving.  And as she went out the door she turned and said, "Say good by for me to everyone." 

And that was that, after thirteen years of service.  Ouch!

On Saturday, we interviewed and hired Ester, a charming Spanish-speaking young lady, with a solid and functional command of English.  Her background is excellent, previously working as Housekeeper in both luxury homes and a luxury hotel.  And she's able to provide references.

I dedicated the entire day to showing her around, and explaining what all the job entails.  I could tell she seemed slightly shocked at the appalling condition of the upstairs, and she began pointing out things to me that needed to be done right away! 

A dusty mirror, smudges on a light switch, a cobweb on a lamp shade, all of which gives an encouraging clue that she has a professional eye for detail. 

(The office will send her for drug testing this week, but I don't care.  She's wonderful, and  I'll send her to rehab if needed!  Ha!)

So I'm feeling a bit easier about the house getting back on track, and today I was actually relaxed enough to read a few pages of Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, something I always like to do on the Ides of March.  Ha!

Hope your Ides are going smoothly as well.

Good night,
Andrew

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UPDATE:  3/16/11

The Mrs told me today she's giving Eleanor ninety-days severance pay!  That's extraordinary, and says much about my employers!

Why Billionaires Hate Daylight Savings Time! And Golf! Ha!

(Article first published as "Daylight Savings Time - But Not in This House!" on Blogcritics.)
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In my role as butler for a billionaire, this is an article I published yesterday as a contributing writer to Blogcritics.com.   And I thought it might be appropriate to share it with you, although it might be somewhat repetitive to what you already know. 

Hope you got your clocks all set forward, not back like I did!  But the Mister and Missus were three sheets to the wind as well, so it didn't really matter!  Sunday, after all!


Here's the article:

"Did anyone wake up on time today, or not? What with tsunamis, strife in the Middle East, and Lent kicking all our butts, who had time to notice today's time change? (Come to think of it, Last Call did seem a little early last night—but I was in no state to put two and two together. Ha!)

As Butler for a rich family (but really rich!), today I need to go all over this big house (but really big!) and reset the clocks. We're talking 22,000 square feet, including a master bedroom and seven guest rooms! 

That's a lot of territory to cover, and one would think a lot of clocks. But surprisingly enough, there aren't that many around here. In all eight bedrooms, there is nothing whatsoever that remotely resembles a bedside alarm clock! 

Man, these people live by a whole set of different rules. Author Robert Frank (a Wall Street Journal reporter) said in his book Richistan that the "absurdly rich" (as he calls them) live in an entirely different country than the rest of us, a country he calls Richistan.  And as the Butler, living in an apartment on the estate (and therefore within the walls of Richistan myself), I'm here to tell you that Robert Frank was dead on.  

Here's a link to the book if you care to see it:  Richistan: A Journey Through the American Wealth Boom and the Lives of the New Rich

Not having to wake up with an alarm clock is just one of the differences between the rich and the rest of us. Their whole way of life, their activities and involvements, their world view and thinking processes, everything about them sets them apart, in their own insulated, private world.

And if you have the luxury to wake up by your own internal body clock, then such a thing as a bedside alarm is entirely superfluous. I guess Amazonian and African tribes people have little use for it either. Apparently it's just us poor and middle-class folk who have to keep up with time and the unnerving toggle between Daylight and Standard. 

However, our one saving grace: We do have that merciful "snooze" button, giving us a momentary illusion of having at least some control over our time and rest, if only for nine or ten minutes."


Read more: http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/daylight-savings-time-but-not-in/#ixzz1GcyULe7l

That's the end of the article.

Now, back to you and me.  Ha!  

You might be wondering why do billionaires hate Daylight Saving Time?

1) First, it delays the evening romance and lighting, when women of a certain age look their best!

2) This whole idea of Daylight Savings Time was pushed by golfers!  And the super rich do not play golf!  Are you kidding?  When they have the entire world at their fingertips, they're hardly going to spend their entire afternoon out on some member-shared golf course and play the adult version of an Easter Egg hunt.   

Hope that didn't sound mean!  I have nothing against golf, or Easter Eggs, for that matter.

Thanks for reading!

Good night,
Andrew

Hiring and Firing Employees: A Hateful Monday!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Eleanor (the Upstairs Maid) is about to lose her job. 

The Missus has been complaining for quite some while about her poor job performance, and finally asked me to replace her.

I alerted the HR Department at the Foundation, and they started interviewing people all this past week.  And yesterday (Eleanor's day off) they sent me three candidates at nine, ten and eleven in the morning to interview and meet the Mister and Missus. 

All three have passed preliminary background checks before they're ever sent to the Residence.  Drug testing will come later, when someone is actually hired.

There was one candidate, Ester, that seems really promising.  A background working in both  major hotels, and luxury homes.  So we'll see.

But tomorrow morning, my unhappy job is to tell Eleanore that she's being replaced. 

We've had discussions, she knows the Missus is unhappy, I reminded her that our corporate health insurance covers both counseling and rehab if needed.  But all to no avail.

I called my buddy Greg who has a small business and has faced the issue of hiring and firing people more frequently than I. 

His words of wisdom for firing someone:  "Be direct, be honest, and remember this is not a conversation."

And so armed, tomorrow morning I have to go in and tell Eleanor, a dear and trusted employee of many, many years, that she's being replaced. 

I hate this like all get out.

Good night,
Andrew

House Guests: Miss Helen Might Be Coming!

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I don't mean to bore you tonight with personal issues, but I have this huge problem in my otherwise ridiculous life! 

My girlfriend (friend who's a girl) Miss Helen might be coming to town for a visit! 

We once worked in a five-star hotel together when she had just finished university.  I've known her for years, and our hearts are seemingly Siamesly attached. 

I knew her late mother and her late father, a Senator in Mississippi, and for many years we have shared all the joys, successes, loss and pain that life has to offer.

She's currently a consultant at the World Bank in Washington, D.C.  (But consulting in what?  Good heavens!  My best guess is teaching developing countries how to safely open a bottle of champagne!)

She shows up at all the yacht races in Newport and Sydney.  And postcards from a climb up Machu Picchu,  Bali, or a tossed-off  weekend at The Phoenician in Scottsdale are not uncommon. 

When we first met and were comparing travels, I mentioned a very remote, isolated beach on Corfu (in Greece) called Pelecas.  Few travelers know about this unique spot, but Miss Helen instantly replied, "I've been there"! 

I was furious!  And enamoured!  An explorer and world  traveler after my own heart.  And we've been friends ever since. 

I listed Miss Helen as a reference when first applying for this current job as butler in a billionaire's house. 

The Mister and Missus (on speaker phone) actually spoke to her, and the Missus said to me later, "I wouldn't mind meeting her someday".

And therein lies the problem!   If she visits here, she is every bit my employers' social peer!!!

In their presence, protocol and professional ethics demand that I never mix my personal life with their own.  I never sit down in their presence (and don't want to).  And certainly I could never sit with them at a table for dining.  It just can't happen in my world! 

So what am I to do?  Serve drinks to Miss Helen and my employers while I stand there like a butler?  (This is not an embarrassment for me, don't get me wrong.  Miss Helen and I would laugh about it later.)  It's just confusion among the socio/economic classes. 

Crossing boundaries is very tricky.  I'm the butler and servant, after all.
Personally, I'm absolutely sure I can handle this.  But can my employers, and things remain the same? 

That's the question!  The consternation.

Thanks for reading all this, if you did. and good night. 

But if you have any advice, please let me know!!!

Andrew
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Update:  Miss Helen did, in fact, finally make a visit on Thanksgiving day of this year, 2012, which I wrote about in an article entitled "A Hamburger for Thanksgiving".  And as the angels would have it, my employers were away for the day!!!  All this worry about nothing!  Thanks again, if you've been following along!  Andrew 

The Incredible Pot Roast Cure!

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Last night the Mister and Missus went to a Mardi Gras event, and right now, the first day of Lent, the Missus is in bed all day with a miserable hangover cold.  Ha!

Chef (the party animal) called in sick as well.  Yeah, right! 

So that leaves me to provide for the day's nutrition.  Damn! 

Some tomato soup and cucumber sandwiches, sent upstairs at lunchtime on a silver tray, complete with bud vase and the morning newspaper. 

And for dinner, I'll just do a simple, healing pot roast that will simmer all day in the crock and fill the house with comforting aromas. 

No big to-do here.  All the usual tubers (potatoes, turnips, carrots, onions), plus celery and a nice thick chuck. 

However, instead of using broth, in this house we add some Cabernet Sauvignon.  And just let it simmer all day, for ten hours.  The wine, of course, makes the meat so tender it just falls apart at the touch.  (The recipe calls for one cup of broth, so I figure two cups of wine are about the same, right?) 

I have my own lingering Mardi Gras issues today, so all I really have energy for is to sit down for ten hours and wait for the roast to finish!

But having said that, you do have to get up once in awhile and baste the chuck.  And during the last hour of cooking you'll need to add some sliced mushrooms on top of the roast. 

So you see, all-in-all, it's a full day's work! 

Hope your first day of Lent is going smoothly.

Andrew

The Beginning of Lent! (not again!!!)

There's just way too much going on around here to deal with Lent! 

For Protestants, participating in Lent is mostly a choice, and all you really have to do is dye a few Easter eggs, buy some nice new spring attire (not forgetting the bonnet), and show up at church on Easter Sunday.  And that's that.

But for Catholics, Lent  is an obligation, forty days (forty-six this year) of abstinence, self denial and other related horrors to purge the soul and prepare for Easter. 

Not to be confused with New Years Resolutions.  If you mess up with your resolutions, so what, who cares?  There's always next year.

 But if you mess up during Lent you just might very well end up in hell.  Ha!  Hit this link to the Vatican's web page if you don't believe me.  (I check in with this site  frequently to see if hell is in my immediate future or not -- just wish they had a "thumbs up / thumbs down" feature so we could get a better read!)    

Having been with my current employers for three years, I know for a fact there won't be any sacrifice or penitence around here.  But the "alms giving"---another requirement during Lent---is something they do all year 'round. 

(And someday when I can find time, I want to tell you about rich people and all their charities, and all the good they can do for others.  It's a social requirement among the rich, and costs them dearly.) 

 
Back to the horror at hand:  this year (to avoid the truck-load of guilt we Catholics can dump on ourselves) I'm going to make it relatively easy, and choose some obtainable goals.  In fact, just two this year: 

1) Stop eating left-over Beluga Caviar--and at a cost of two or three hundred an ounce, this is a real sacrifice! 

2) Stop flirting with Billie, the exterminator.  (Actually, she's on a leave of absence, so I hope this one counts!)  She drives me insane with all her insect babble---but on her last visit here I found out this lovely girl plays the cello!  What? 

So, I'll stop for now. 

But I do want to wish you well (all of us well, Catholic or Protestant) during this most important and gracious period of the liturgical year, all kidding aside.

Before you go, and to get us in the mood, hope you'll hit this YouTube link to Luciano Pavarotti and Bono singing Schubert's "Ave Maria".  Your time will not be wasted.

Good luck during Lent!

Andrew

Personal Shopper for a Billionaire!

One of the most fun things about this job is shopping for the house and family!

The great thing about working for a billionaire family is that the budget is seemingly limitless -- and so is my household account! 

I was issued a a corporate credit card when first hired, and no matter what I spend, the Foundation replenishes the account immediately.  Absolutely amazing!

Normally I can go through six-or-seven thousand a month just for food and household items to keep the Residence running smoothly.  But if there are special events (and there are lots around here!), this can easily   balloon to twenty or twenty-five thousand.! 

If I need to order a kilogram (2.2 pounds) of Russian "Beluga" Caviar for a large cocktail party, there's $6,000 or $7,000 right there, unless I hit a sale!  (My heart always skips a beat when I hit the "Add to Cart" button---especially if I need two kilograms, in which case I'm near sweating.  Ha!)

I try to keep the cost of fresh flowers and candles down to $2,000 a month.  These are just cut flowers that Nelda and I (or the Missus)arrange ourselves in the house vases.  But if there's a party, Andre (the florist) is called in, and that's going to cost me another three-or-four thousand (for flowers, that will die in a week!)


If I need new high-end pots and pans, or a new vacuum, or need to send out a Persian rug to be cleaned ($1,500 and up),  I'm free to spend whatever's needed, no questions asked.  (Major repairs--replacing an a/c compressor, a new water heater and so forth go through an entirely different budget the Foundation takes care of.)

And something amazing for me -- all my life when I go to the supermarket I have to be so very careful to buy just the cheapest items and still have some kind of nutrition. 

But imagine what it's like to go shopping for this family and buy whatever you wish -- the most expensive array of imported cheeses, the choicest cuts of meats, the freshest shrimp and wild Atlantic salmon, fruits, berries, nuts, expensive deli crackers and chocolates---all without so much as glancing at the price.  Just awesome!

The Mister is always grumbling about household expenses.  And one month when my account exceeded thirty-two thousand  (it was December, for God's sake, and there were several large events in the house) he mentioned that we needed to "cut back". 

When I reported this to the Missus, who runs the house, she simply replied, "Things are as they are--don't worry about him, I'll take care of it."

I also want to mention that if there's an event at the house involving the Events Planner, Caterers, Waiters, Bartenders, Security and Valet Parkers -- that's an entirely separate budget taken care of by the Foundation, and doesn't come out of my household account.  This kind of party can hit seventy-five to a-hundred-thousand dollars or more in nothing flat!  Ask any butler, in any major house!

When first hired, all this extravagance took my breath away!  But I'm way over it now -- and just hope at each party there will be a little left-over Beluga!

Thanks for reading!

Good night,
Andrew

House Staff Problems: Something's Up With the Upstairs Maid!

I've hesitated to mention this the last few weeks, because I really don't know what's going on.

For the last couple of months Eleanor, the Upstairs Maid, has been showing signs of burnout, or maybe something worse.  She arrives late.  She's called in sick several times.  Which means I have to call in Anna, the Assistant Housekeeper, to fill in for the day.  Or else I have to do her daily chores myself---I, me, moi making beds and scrubbing bathtubs.  Trust me here---I have a temp agency on speed dial.  Ha!

But I'm seriously worried.  Her work is such perfection, and she's been with this family for thirteen years.  Burnout and boredom is a definite possibility--it's lonely working upstairs all day by yourself, and I honestly don't know how she does it.  But something is definitely up, and I can't ignore it any longer. 

Almost daily both the Mister and Mrs are complaining about her for something amiss---an empty tissue holder on the bedside table, no shampoo in the Mister's shower, no cotton swabs on the Mrs' makeup counter---insignificant things to you and me, but to my employers, there's no excuse.

Today (Friday), Eleanor showed up late, then left midway through her chores.  Nelda (the Executive  Housekeeper) and I scrambled upstairs to finish her work.  But the Mrs was not placated.

And late this afternoon, just when I thought I could get away early, the Mrs came downstairs and said, "I've had enough of this!  Eleanor needs to be replaced!"  And then back up the stairs she went.

My heart sunk.  The Mrs can be so cold when it comes to household staff.  But I understand her frustration, and I should have already started this process when we first noticed the changes in Eleanor's behavior.  I was just hoping for the best, and after all---thirteen years count for something!  But that's just me.

I immediately called the HR Department at the Foundation and told them to start looking for someone else.  A big part of my training at the Butler School was how to train other staff.  And I can do this.  But trying to replace Eleanor will not be easy, by any means.  

So there goes whatever tranquility I had hoped for this weekend.   No matter.  But our dear Eleanor---what's going on?  What has happened?  What will you do when the Mrs lets you go?

Ouch!

Good night,
Andrew

Tips on Silver Care (while hiding out in the Butler's Closet). Ha!

As Butler for a billionaire, I do have some expertise in certain areas, and don't mind sharing what knowledge I've acquired with you.

I'm sure you've seen these ads on tv where you dip a piece of jewelry or a silver dollar into a liquid and it comes out sparkly clean and shiny.  Very nice-----but don't ever do that!!!

First, any time you polish silver you're removing a micro amount of the precious metal itself.  When dealing with sterling, you're ok.  But when polishing silver plate, it's only a matter of time until you polish all the way through to the base metal underneath.  So rule number one, polish as infrequently as you can get away with!


Second, these liquid dips not only remove more silver than regular polish, they can easily destroy the patina (the unique appearance) of the silver object. 

In our modern culture, old things (except for people) are considered valuable. 

All the tarnish down in the fine filigree work of a silver object or the handle of a sterling spoon or fork is highly desired and ostensibly (not always) adds to its value.  With regular routine polishing you're safe because you cannot remove this deep tarnish or destroy the patina with a simple cream polish. 

However, the dips we see on tv can remove all the desired tarnish and leave your employer's precious, prized possessions looking like something shiny and new from Wallmart. 

(And you can easily lose your job for this transgression!  Ha!)

With over three hundred silver ornaments, platters, vases, picture frames and objet d'arts in this house, the first thing I did when I started here three years ago was to get everything polished and brought up to maximum peak appearance. 

You can use Wright's Silver Cream, it's good.  I prefer Goddard's (not that it's any better than Wright's) but simply because it's a British company and I've heard through the grapevine that Herself Regina uses Goddard's in both Buckingham and Windsor Palaces.  Ha! 

And now, three years later, I still maintain this peak appearance simply with old-fashioned silversmith gloves.  Again, I use what Goddard's calls "Silver Polishing Mits". 

With these, I can walk all around the house, pick up any silver object and handle it gently with these gloves (on a regular basis), and not have to go through the long, laborious process of polishing each and every piece, month after month.

Warning:  These gloves are very rough on the skin and nails, so you'll need to wear some thin medical-type rubber gloves before putting on the silversmith gloves.  Make sense?  Otherwise, you'll need to schedule an appointment with your manicurist right away.  Ha!

And don't be seduced by a product called "Never-Dull".  It's an impregnated cotton wadding that supposedly works on several different metals.  It's fast and easy, but the problem is (and contrary to its name) it leaves all your metals dull and cloudy.  Ha!  A total waste of time and money.

That's all I've got tonight.  Just wanted to advise you not to ever destroy your prized possessions by "dipping" them in some unknown destructive chemical you see on tv. 

And I'm not getting kickbacks for product endorsement here!  Just sharing what knowledge I've got.  Silver care is a real challenge in both time and labor.  And there are definitely ways to minimize the effort.

Thanks for reading!

Goodnight,
Andrew