Rotating Girlfriends!

Not to bore you, but I seriously need to grumble for a couple of moments. The weather's been miserable this summer, politics have run amok in DC, and my ancient old employer's Viagra-dependent libido is driving me crazy!

I've complained more than once about all the women floating in and out of here as if we had a revolving front door, like a hotel, with the expectation of twenty-four hour room service. Our job has been to play musical sheets and try to get the lingering perfume aromas out of the house and cars before the next floozy guest arrives. Which could easily throw us into a panic if they're back to back - one leaving in the afternoon and another arriving in the early evening.

But now all these tryouts, shall we call them, seem to have resolved into just two steady lady friends, on alternate rotating weekends.

In many ways this is easier for us to have the whole week to prepare and air out the house. I've learned to put sprigs of eucalyptus under the seats in all the luxury cars the old man keeps in his garages. It almost totally masks, or at least confuses, the delicate light aromas of lux perfumes. But the cheap stuff from Walmart practically requires a good bleaching down to get rid of.

Then on the other hand, as these women settle in, chef and I are supposed to remember their dietary preferences; their favorite fruits, cereals and yogurts for breakfast - especially their coffee sweeteners. In fact we've nick named these two women based on this.

Splenda, for example, is easy to remember for  her splendid manners and her middle-class propensity to help clean up after breakfast. She's always polite to staff, and has a quite pleasant smile - even if permanently attached to her charming face by a plastic surgeon.

But then there's Sweet 'N Low who seems far more cunning and insidious than Splenda. She's got her eyes on a rich husband and it's obvious to all of us. She exhibits a cool arrogance, like she's trying to become queen of the house and take control of staff.  

And get this: she's slowly bringing in her own clothes on wire hangers and transferring the garments to our monogrammed wooden hangers from Henri Hangers.

Ester the Upstairs Maid is scandalized by this encroachment! So am I, truth know, since I'm the one who installed Henri Hangers in the first place - meant for haute couture - not Nordstom or Sears. (I hope that didn't sound snobby?)

I might also mention that both Splenda and Sweet'NLow have brought in framed photos of themselves with the Mister and placed them around the house. But my employer is diligent, let's say religious, about switching out the photos in-between visits. And I'm not accepting the blame if his memory lapses.

Well okay, enough. Thanks for letting me rant for a moment. This job can be so stressful and nutty at times I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I do hope you're summer is going along a little more smoothly.

Andrew

Metal Credit Cards for the Rich!

A couple of years back I wrote a post about credit cards for the rich and went on and on about the secretive and mysterious American Express Black Card. In the beginning there were only rumors about the card, no one was really sure if it even existed. The thing is it's not exactly something most of us can apply for.

In fact, it's issued by invitation only to the richest of the rich, and by all accounts the membership list is both unforthcoming and reportedly quite low. But as details gradually leaked out, it seems this prestigious card carried a $2,500 annual fee and required a quarter-of-a-million dollars in annual purchases to keep it active - at least at the time.

The only reason I knew about the Black Card was because the former mistress of the house (who I miss like crazy) had one. In fact, she already had it before she came into the marriage - the end result of several successful divorces, no doubt. She would hand it to me to run errands around town, and boy did I have fun. No matter how hungover or grubby I might have looked at the moment, it was always amusing to see how the immaculately-groomed clerks at Neiman Marcus or Bergdorf's would buck up when I pulled out that card. 👀

But now there's something entirely new on the scene. Thanks to our friend Miss Helen I'm just now catching up to the latest craze about metal credit cards. They're hot, they're flashy, they're sexy, and they're oh so expensive! Here's a link to see what I'm talking about.

Oddly enough the demand for these cards is propelled by millennials who jumped on them like ducks on a June bug. Spokeswoman Lauren Francis at Chase Bank said:

"We've approved tens of thousands of applications for the card. Most of the customers are millennials who typically shun credit cards and are not usually a target for high-fee ultra-premium plastic."

But driven by the internet and social media, it's something new and novel for the millennials - and definitely a conversation piece. As US News & World Report said:

"Calling it plastic wouldn't do it justice. It is a high-end, high-fee, high-reward card made of a metallic alloy that gives it a satisfying heft and an impressive THUNK when you toss it onto the table to pick up the check." 

Personally I have questions about these trendy metal baubles screwing up card scanners or if they cause problems with airport security. But I guess those bugs have already been worked out, right? I'm thinking that it's the thunk on the table that's causing all the rage.

But not to be cynical about millennials, I'm also thinking that perhaps they're being socially and environmentally responsible in knowing that their expired credit cards will simply rust away in the landfills - not sit there like plastic cards that will be around for kingdom come. Yes, I'm sure that's it! Why else would they abandon their anti-credit stance unless for a good social cause?

As always, thanks for dropping by this evening,

Andrew


Editor's Note: There's additional vital observations of the rich in this writer's book The Billionaire's Butler; Mystery, Murder and Romance in the Wacky World of the Super Rich, available in both paperback and Kindle on Amazon.